a life in review

SOTD: Carrie Underwood "Wasted"

The final hours of 2010 are counting down and I can't say I'm all that sad to see it go. When I think about all that has happened over the last 12 months I am reminded that time stops for no one and every moment has value. For too long now I have lost sight of the value. I have forgotten to really LIVE. I am searching for reasons and meanings for things that don't really matter and all the while I have ignored the people, the places and the things that are right in front of my face. For me, that ends now.

2010 will be the year I found myself. It was the year I hit rock bottom and realized I had no choice but to ask for help, and by doing so, I learned who my real friends were. I also learned that asking for help is not a character flaw, but proof there's no such thing as flawless character.

Family became a priority for me this year like never before. Since my earliest memories I have always been fiercely independent. When I graduated high school I couldn't get away from the small town fast enough and I carried that mentality for the next ten years. Truth be told, had I not lost me job, I would probably still feel that way, but not having the 'work rock' to hide under forced me to evaluate the things that I truly value in my life. The most shocking thing that happened to me this year was discovering that the place I belonged, where my heart was aching to be, was home, in the small town, with my family. 

In 2009 my first and only niece, Jorja, was born (Sept. 15). I met her for the first time that Thanksgiving and I saw her a total of three times before I decided to move back home this year at the end of August. She didn't really like me very much, and I can't really blame her, I was practically a stranger. But this year I got a second chance. 

On Sept. 27th my youngest nephew, Myles, was born and unlike his brothers and sister, I was actually there for his big day. Not only that, I have been there for him nearly everyday since. At first, seeing me bond with Myles really annoyed Jorja and I think she actually began to hate me more, if that is at all possible, but as the weeks have gone on, she has started to come around and I think she actually likes, dare I say, loves, me! We've even started communicating in our own special language. The best part is, I am still close as ever with Myles and for the first time in their tiny little lives, I feel needed. A year ago, I wouldn't have thought this was a possibility let alone, something I genuinely wanted.

I don't have kids of my own (unless you count the most adorable puppy on the planet, Mr. Addison 'Addie' Montgomery Watson!). I never really thought too much about it. That is until recently. Before, I found kids to be a distraction. It didn't seem possible to have a successful career and kids. But that belief wasn't limited to just kids. I ran away from great relationships for the same reason. Funny thing is, without a career to hide behind, those arguments are so empty. And now, I wonder if I've missed my chance? 

I moved myself into more unfamiliar and uncomfortable situations this past year than ever before. And I believe I am a better person for it. I cut all my safety nets and somehow I've managed to survive. I embraced humility and received unbelievable compassion. My life has been made rich by experiences that money can't buy. 

This year I turned 30. I thought I knew it all at 18. Then again at 21. And I was certain I had it figured out at 25. But the truth is, I hope I never have it figured out. If my life is ever fully resolved and understood, I'm not sure I would have a reason to keep going. The things I've done, the places I've been and the experiences I've had are more than most people can hope for in a lifetime, and for me, they all happened in my twenties. I might be starting over again, but I still believe my life has more purpose than I could ever imagine. I still have things to accomplish and life to explore.

For 2011, my goal is to LIVE. Live in the moment, take it in, make it a memory. Stop letting the fear of falling keep me from experiencing the thrill of soaring. I'll also believe; believe in love, believe in peace, believe in things I can not see - and when my heart says no, I'll still believe.

purge & move on

Song Of The Day: One Republic "Secrets"

I've been living a life of seclusion for the last couple of years and I don't want to do it anymore. 

Anyone who knew me then would tell you that I loved my job. It was were I spent my days, many nights and often my weekends. I never thought anything of the fact that work came before friends and family or that I postponed semi-important things like vacations and doctors appointments to meet deadlines or avoid missing a potential production meeting. 

That is until I didn't have my job anymore. I should have seen it coming; I should have known that I was headed for a let down, but I honestly didn't see it coming. Maybe that was because just a few weeks earlier after treating me to a birthday lunch my boss assured me there would be a place for me as long as I wanted it, but I digress. 

I will never forget the day it happened. My supervisor was out of town (conveniently) and I remember before she left the previous day that she gave me an awkward glance before she walked out the door. Had my head been in a more analytical space, I might have given it a second thought, but I didn't. At 5pm on a Friday afternoon I got an email from my boss. It simply asked me to stop by before I left for the day. As I entered her office all smiles and little bit excited at the possibility of being asked to work on a new project it never occurred to me that our meeting was about anything more than that. Boy was I wrong.

She asked me if I was headed to Washington for Obama's inauguration. 'No', I replied. 'I plan to watch it on TV like everyone else I know.' This wasn't an unusual question. It had been no secret that she and her family were very powerful members of the Republican party. However, I never felt I had to hide my liberal beliefs or my support for Obama. Still the timing of the question was now a bit suspect. She quickly moved on to the matter at hand. 

During her entire monologue she never actually said the words 'you're fired' or 'we're letting you go', in fact, it was me who had to ask the question 'are you letting me go?' to get the final answer. Before she could answer I began to feel a lump rise in my throat and the first thought that ran through my mind was 'I'm going to have to work with all new people', a thought that invoked feelings of pure terror. The answer, of course, was yes, but the reasons why are still unclear. The only real explanation I was given at the time was that I had accomplished every task the company could offer me. It was during this time that the reality of the situation began to set in. I felt like someone had kicked me in the stomach and I could no longer breathe. I remember trying to look at one object in the room (ironically, it was a framed invitation to the White House from G.W. Bush which happens to hang next to the door of her office) to keep from crying. Eventually, even I couldn't control the tears and they began to fall uncontrollably. I remember that she walked to her desk and picked up a folder which contained a letter informing me that I was being let go, a severance check and a few random documents that I needed to sign to make it all complete. Everything that happened after that was a complete blur. 

It took me a while to pull myself together. Both in her office that day and in the weeks and months that followed. I was so truly content with the ridiculous schedule and workload that I had become accustomed to. I felt so secure and optimistic about my future with the company that it never occurred to me to look for something else, let alone put together a resume. In the conversation that day I was offered a position working on a campaign for the would-be governor. A few weeks later, I received an email from my former boss offering her contacts at a local PR firm. Had I been in a better state of mind I would have jumped at the offer, but I was still trying to connect all the dots to figure out what had gone wrong and I just couldn't bring myself to accept her help. 

I've spent nearly two years trying to connect the dots and I have to resolve myself to believing that everything happens for a reason. I could be petty and blame it on the cowardly supervisor who couldn't share a spotlight but that won't fix me and it doesn't really fit with how I operate. So, instead, I have finally chosen to accept that I won't be getting my job back and while it was truly the first thing in my life I ever fell in love with, it's over and it is time to move on.

Now, it's out there. I can't hide behind the shame anymore. This might be where my story began, but I can assure you, this will not be how it ends.