Dedication

Growing up in the eighties, without the internet, before CDs, it wasn't uncommon to sit on my bedroom floor listening to Delilah on some soft rock radio station in Atlanta. I was always intrigued by the people who would call in and tell their stories and then request a very specific song to be played - a dedication to someone they love, were estranged from or maybe just someone who's attention they were trying to get. I always wondered if their intended ever got the message. Probably not, I would think. 

It's been a while since I've posted & shared an entry here, but I promise, I am still writing. But because this is real life and, other, real, people are involved, I've decided it's best to write these stories, but I don't know if, or when, I will share them. It's the right thing to do. 

I can, however, try something new and also give you some insight into where my head and heart are.  Whether I'm writing, painting or simply sitting in the backyard thinking about life, I usually have music playing in the background. This week, a specific playlist has been on repeat and it's no coincidence that each song reminds me of a different person and situation they (or, sometimes, we) are going through. 

So, here's this weeks playlist. The YouTube link will take you to the full playlist, in case you need a little musical destruction. Also, if your initials appear beside one of the songs on the playlist, I am dedicating it to you. I believe most of you will understand why when you listen to the song and I apologize in advance if this makes anyone cry; but you should know I have cried at least once this week over each and every song. I've also taken a few of my favorite lyrics from each and emphasized the message I hope the person it is dedicated to will receive. 

I might not always make them personal, but I hope to continue to share playlists like this. So, without further ado, here's August 2016: 

YouTube Playlist: http://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLHE-p6AC0ojTtFeJJnS1Dx8N_7aqlZA41

 1) Something Beautiful by Tori Kelly 

 2) I Will Be There by Odessa

 3) Stand By You by Rachel Platten

 4) How To Save A Life by Nilu (cover)

 5) Buy This Town by Lori McKenna

 6) America's Sweetheart by Elle King

 7) Brave by Nichole Nordeman

 8) I'll Never Go Away by Erin McCarley

 9) Somebody To Love by Kacey Musgraves

10) Lost Boy by Ruth B 

Something Beautiful: (alpo) "Can't feel the love without the pain. The sun won't shine without the rain. You're not required to carry the weight. So let it go, here's my hand to hold. At the end of it all there's a smile for you waiting. So, breath in & let it go. Your tears are not for nothing. Let them fall, off. In every tear drop there is something beautiful. You are stronger than you know. You're something beautiful". 

I Will Be There: (glw/crw) "If you ever need someone, to just love you. If you ever need someone, to simply adore you. I will be there. Standing by your side."

Stand By You: (glw) "Tears, make kaleidoscopes in your eyes. And hurt, I know you're hurting but so am I. And, love, if your wings are broken, borrow mine 'til yours can open, too. 'Cause I'm gonna stand by you...Even if we can't find heaven, I'll walk through hell with you. Love, your not alone, 'cause I'm gonna stand by you". 

How To Save A Life: (cbwl) "Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend somewhere along in the bitterness" 

Buy This Town: (tlw) "If I could buy one night, I wouldn't buy the one you'd think. I'd buy the one when my eyes teared up by the light above the kitchen sink. And you held me tight. And begged me not to cry. If I could buy the sweetness of one kiss, well, that's the one I'd buy. If I, could buy one night. All the money in the world couldn't buy a drop of real love could it? And it really shouldn't now should it? If I could buy the stars, I'd polish them so bright". 

America's Sweetheart: (apw) "My kind of medicine is whiskey straight. I got a mouth to put you in your place, and they said I'll never be the poster type, but, they don't make posters of my kind of life...What do you want from me? I'm not america's sweetheart. So beat the drum with me; I'm not america's sweetheart. Well, they say I'm too loud for this town, so, I lit a match and burned it down. What do you want from me? I'm not america's sweetheart - but you'll love me anyway". 

Brave: (lso) "I've never known a fire that didn't begin with a flame. Every storm will start with just a drop of rain. But if you believe in me, that changes everything". 

I'll Never Go Away: (glw/alpo/tlw/apw) "I know you never thought, you could hurt this much. Losing what you love. You've lost yourself, your numb. Even though it's dark, there's a light somewhere inside you. Let me hold your hands, I'll help you find your feet again. It's okay to cry. How can I let you know - I got love. I got you love. I'll never go away, I'll never go away". 

Somebody To Love: (drmwah) "We're all livin' 'til we're dying. We ain't cool, but man we're trying. Just thinking we'll be fixed by someone else. Just trying to hold it all together. We all wish our best was better. Just hoping that forever's really real. We'll miss a dime to grab a nickel, over complicate the simple. We're all little kids just looking for love. Yeah, don't we all just want somebody to love"? 

Lost Boy: (kaw/jaae/mae) "There was a time, when I was alone. Nowhere to go and no place to call home. My only friend was the man in the moon. And even sometimes he would go away, too. Then one night, as I closed my eyes, I saw a shadow flying high. He came to me with the sweetest smile; told me he wanted to talk for a while. He said, "Peter Pan. That's what they call me. I promise that you'll never be lonely". And ever since that day... I am a lost boy from Neverland. Usually hanging out with Peter Pan. And when we're bored we play in the woods. Always on the run from Captain Hook. "Run, run, lost boy," they'd say to me. "Away from all of reality..."

Lights will guide you home

SOTD: "Fix You" - Coldplay

"Tears stream down your face. I promise oh. Will learn from my mistakes". 

I wish there was a magic pill, or even a hug, that could actually fix me. This is a hard place to be. As the song says, 'stuck in reverse'. It seems every time I manage to find a little joy it's gone before I can actually allow it to spread into other areas of my life. 

I've read all the cliches. A heart must break to let the light in. Diamonds are made from coal that withstands intense pressure. What doesn't kill us makes us stronger. They don't help. It especially doesn't help when the people who know and love me describe me and lead with "the strongest woman I've ever known". I'm not as strong as they think. If I were I wouldn't be crying as I type this entry. I know what it means to sit at a bar and ask the bartender to pour me something stronger than me. (It would be more helpful if the bartender knew what that meant.) 

A vindictive person has decided that my encouragement of her daughter, to think for herself and question things that don't make sense, is out of line. To prove this, she has forbid her daughter from having any kind of communication with me and to ensure her daughter never has an original thought of her own, she took away her phone an computer. This precious child is 13 years old and from what I've read in her blog, deeply troubled. Something I can relate to. The feeling that life would be better without you in it. The difference being, the world would not be better without my Gabby, but there are more days than not I feel the world wouldn't actually miss me. 

I fight until there is no fight left in me. I avoid talking to my mother because I don't want to disappoint her. And today, the most promising job lead I've had since unexpectedly losing the job I gave up everything for, sent an email to tell me they are going in a different direction. 

If anybody knows how to fix me, please, please tell me. I don't know how many more days I can cry and still manage to get out of bed, get dressed and smile like nothing's wrong. 

I'm taking a break for a while. Don't worry - I will be fine. I just don't know how yet. 

Peace and love y'all. 

That was then...

SOTD: "Long Live" - Taylor Swift

"Will you take a moment, promise me this. That you'll stand by me forever, but if God forbid fate should step in and force us into a goodbye. If you have children some day. When they point to the pictures, please tell them my name...Tell them how I hope they shine!"

Believe it or not, I have actually been doing quite a bit of writing on here - only, it seems, I'm keeping most of it for myself! Last night I was working on a piece that I had every intention of posting. I had a deep emotional connection to it as I was writing, but then life happened making it even more personal. By the time I completed it, I was audibly sobbing. {It had to do with that real life interruption that just happened to seamlessly weave into my original post}

For better or worse, I was unable to share that piece. Not because it was too personal. In fact, I wanted the whole world to read it in that moment, but instead of 'publish' I accidentally pressed 'delete'. No matter how hard I try, there's no way I could come close to recreating that post. I accept that sometimes fate steps in and perhaps this was simply meant for me only. 

Tonight I've been thinking a lot about the past... And the future. {The present really is a difficult thing for me...} What I've realized is that although there are so many wonderful memories in the past, the people who helped me make them aren't really meant to be part of my future. We are different people living different lives. I am not saying I am washing my hands of them; I'm accepting our new reality and choosing to let them go. 

It's too painful to live through life feeling forgotten or unappreciated. I accepted long ago that I am one of the few people who still respect the art of a handwritten thank you note. I have made peace with it, although I don't ever see myself existing in a world where I don't send a card for a birthday or special occasion. I hope those who receive them will appreciate them as much as I enjoy sending them. 

My choice to let go of the people in my past is not easy. In fact, I expect that even after I post this, I will struggle with this choice. I will miss our inside jokes and the sound of their laughter. There will always be things that remind me of them. I imagine there will even be a few nights when I cry myself to sleep wishing I could call or text them for advice. It won't be easy. 

Deciding to let go has everything to do with creating a healthier future for myself. I need to feel like I can allow people into my life and not worry if they are going to get too busy to return a call or keep plans. I need to surround myself with people who are going through similar life challenges as myself - not people contemplating divorce or having babies. I need to know that if my world falls apart on a Tuesday night, there's someone I can call...who won't just answer, but will insist I let them be there. I've spent too much time making my life more accessible to people who rarely remember I actually exist. To say this has harmed my self worth would be an understatement. 

Obviously, I still care a great deal for the people from my past. A couple are even more important to me than most of my family members and have held my hand through some of my most difficult challenges. But I am in the middle of another one of those challenges and I not only don't have a hand to hold, the person who stood by my side so many times before doesn't even know I'm going through it. This has been an eye opening experience. It's not that I don't want to share it, I just don't think it matters anymore; at least not in context to their own life. 

The only thing I know for sure is that I have no idea how much time I have left. Whether it is months or years, I want to make the rest of my life, the best of my life. The only way I know how to do that is to let go of the past and embrace whatever and whoever the future holds. I will always hold our memories with great fondness. But now, I'm moving on. That was then. 

This is now.