a life in review

SOTD: Carrie Underwood "Wasted"

The final hours of 2010 are counting down and I can't say I'm all that sad to see it go. When I think about all that has happened over the last 12 months I am reminded that time stops for no one and every moment has value. For too long now I have lost sight of the value. I have forgotten to really LIVE. I am searching for reasons and meanings for things that don't really matter and all the while I have ignored the people, the places and the things that are right in front of my face. For me, that ends now.

2010 will be the year I found myself. It was the year I hit rock bottom and realized I had no choice but to ask for help, and by doing so, I learned who my real friends were. I also learned that asking for help is not a character flaw, but proof there's no such thing as flawless character.

Family became a priority for me this year like never before. Since my earliest memories I have always been fiercely independent. When I graduated high school I couldn't get away from the small town fast enough and I carried that mentality for the next ten years. Truth be told, had I not lost me job, I would probably still feel that way, but not having the 'work rock' to hide under forced me to evaluate the things that I truly value in my life. The most shocking thing that happened to me this year was discovering that the place I belonged, where my heart was aching to be, was home, in the small town, with my family. 

In 2009 my first and only niece, Jorja, was born (Sept. 15). I met her for the first time that Thanksgiving and I saw her a total of three times before I decided to move back home this year at the end of August. She didn't really like me very much, and I can't really blame her, I was practically a stranger. But this year I got a second chance. 

On Sept. 27th my youngest nephew, Myles, was born and unlike his brothers and sister, I was actually there for his big day. Not only that, I have been there for him nearly everyday since. At first, seeing me bond with Myles really annoyed Jorja and I think she actually began to hate me more, if that is at all possible, but as the weeks have gone on, she has started to come around and I think she actually likes, dare I say, loves, me! We've even started communicating in our own special language. The best part is, I am still close as ever with Myles and for the first time in their tiny little lives, I feel needed. A year ago, I wouldn't have thought this was a possibility let alone, something I genuinely wanted.

I don't have kids of my own (unless you count the most adorable puppy on the planet, Mr. Addison 'Addie' Montgomery Watson!). I never really thought too much about it. That is until recently. Before, I found kids to be a distraction. It didn't seem possible to have a successful career and kids. But that belief wasn't limited to just kids. I ran away from great relationships for the same reason. Funny thing is, without a career to hide behind, those arguments are so empty. And now, I wonder if I've missed my chance? 

I moved myself into more unfamiliar and uncomfortable situations this past year than ever before. And I believe I am a better person for it. I cut all my safety nets and somehow I've managed to survive. I embraced humility and received unbelievable compassion. My life has been made rich by experiences that money can't buy. 

This year I turned 30. I thought I knew it all at 18. Then again at 21. And I was certain I had it figured out at 25. But the truth is, I hope I never have it figured out. If my life is ever fully resolved and understood, I'm not sure I would have a reason to keep going. The things I've done, the places I've been and the experiences I've had are more than most people can hope for in a lifetime, and for me, they all happened in my twenties. I might be starting over again, but I still believe my life has more purpose than I could ever imagine. I still have things to accomplish and life to explore.

For 2011, my goal is to LIVE. Live in the moment, take it in, make it a memory. Stop letting the fear of falling keep me from experiencing the thrill of soaring. I'll also believe; believe in love, believe in peace, believe in things I can not see - and when my heart says no, I'll still believe.