Advocate

 SOTD: Clean  (The Clean Speech)

"Rain came pouring down//When I was drowning, that's when I could finally breathe"

I started a new job this week. I'm going to be a sexual assault advocate. If you have no idea what that means, you are in good company. I thought I knew. Turns out, I had no idea. 

The first thing you should know about my job is that I am not in the business of rescuing or helping. I'm also not in the business of judging. No, my primary objective is to provide emotional support while giving victims informed options to make the best decisions for themselves during a time of crisis. By nature, my job is listening to crisis after crisis, all day long. Not just any crisis, but crisis that is centered around sexual assault -- of anyone, at any age. 

I've written about my past traumas related to sexual assaults. This week has definitely brought a lot of those feelings back to the surface. I've also been processing emotions related to a trauma a friend is currently experiencing. I know that walking into this job, I already have some pretty heavy vicarious trauma happening in my life. How that changes over the next few months will determine if I am cut out to do this long term. 

The office culture is maybe my favorite thing so far. The women who work there are real characters. They say what they think and drop f bombs without hesitation. You can tell they genuinely like each other. My bosses are the coolest and I already want all three of them as mentors. 

I feel like I want to say a million more things, but I will be brief and just say, I think there is some kind of greater power because the timing of this job and all the other things going on in my life is completely uncanny. I am in the perfect place at the perfect time and it feels... perfect. 

Mind Your Business

 SOTD: None Of Your Business 

"Now who do you think you are//Puttin' your cheap two cents in?//Don't you got nothin' to do//Than worry 'bout my friends?//Check it"

I saw a meme the other day that said, "What other people think of you is none of your business." I've been thinking about this for days now. 

I'm the kind of person who needs constant validation. My therapist would say it stems from years of being told that I am not worthy or good enough and eventually allowing that to become my reality no matter how untrue it is. But I can't help it, I care what people think of me. 

You might be reading this and thinking, I am the exact same way. If so, I wish I could tell you how much you matter -- especially if you're one of the three people who consistently reads and supports my blog. 

I remember when I first joined Pinterest. I was one of the first 10,000 users. I remember seeing this gorgeous feather dress on a model in front of the Eiffel Tower. I wanted to repost it, but I was afraid the original poster would think I was weird. In hindsight, that might be the stupidest example of how I let others control me, but it's honest. There is a vulnerability to all of our true encounters. If we aren't being vulnerable, then what's the point? It's how we make real connections. 

I start a new job in a little over a week. My greatest fear isn't the difficult work I will do as a sexual assault advocate. No. It's making new friends at work and working with strangers in my community. I want everyone to like me, but I also want to be myself and I hope that's enough. Making friends at work is always so tricky. We spend so much time there that we naturally become close, but boundaries are necessary to keep the work from following you home. 

I remember when I lost my job in TV. As I wiped tears from my eyes after hearing the news that my job had been eliminated, my first words were: "I'm going to have to work with new people" and I was genuinely anxious about that. 

I'm going to keep reminding myself that it's none of my business, but I know I will still get anxious. How do you handle this? I'm very curious. 

It

SOTD: Lover

“Have I known you 20 seconds or 20 years?”

It’s that feeling when you know you’re safe. 

It’s the way time almost stands still. 

It’s the laughter after a thousand tears. 

It’s the warm on your face after days of rain. 

It’s the safety of what you know in the face of endless doubt. 

It’s finishing the book without ever putting it down. 

It’s enough to be known, but dying to be seen. 

It’s being reckless even after you promised to be careful. 

It’s being overly aware of any changes in the current. 

It’s the conversation you never wanted to have, through a microphone you never held. 

It’s saying I’m sorry, when you know you’ve done nothing wrong. 

It’s counting the hours instead of the days. 

It’s fearless and terrifying — one and the same. 

It’s pretending you haven’t noticed when it’s all that you see. 

It’s pricking your finger and watching it bleed. 

It’s knowing what you want and never giving in. 

It’s unconditional, inconsequential, and unwavering. 

It’s not being okay, but doing it anyway. 

It’s secret and quiet. 

It’s the distance between where you are and where you should be. 

It keeps me awake with its relentless possibilities. 

It keeps me at bay, too afraid to make a wave. 

It’s gorgeous in its simplistic existence. 

It hurts just enough to remind me to breathe. 

It’s the gasp between a sob and a cry. 

It’s the beat of my heart when I stopped asking why.