what kind of year has it been...

SOTY: We Are Young by fun. (as covered by the cast of Glee)

Via

I'm still here.

Those three words cover so much ground, but ultimately, for me, 2011 will go down as the year I survived. It's the year I let go of old feelings and embraced a new career path. The year I learned that true friends can help you get through anything & superficial friends will find the quickest exit when the times get toughest. But most importantly, I learned that if you can keep an open mind and see the bigger picture, the snap shot you might be looking at, no matter how disastrous, is never as impossible as it might seem in the moment.

I started this blog a year ago because I was determined to move beyond the tragedies that I had let limit my life. In many ways, it worked. I let go of the hurt & anger I had been holding on to since I lost my job at RIVR. In doing so, I learned to accept that things would never be like that again and forged a new path with a new career that I could be passionate about.

I've also used this blog to share some of the most important events that have surfaced for me & my family over the last year. I would've never expected that my brother would be diagnosed with cancer & have FOUR brain surgeries over the course of the year. More importantly, I could've never imagined how being faced with mortality would teach me to appreciate the things, people & moments in my life for everything they are.

The rabbit hole, as most of you already know is a reference to Alice in Wonderland. What I've never really addressed, is why I used this reference. Well, part of it was because I've been known to go on and on about things, and since this is my place to do that, I knew when I created it, this would be a place where I didn't hold back. I would say as much as I wanted about whatever I wanted to and I would not care what anyone else thought because IT'S MINE. All of it. And 99% of what I've posted has come from a place of not caring what anyone else thought. The other 1%, well, let's face it, no matter who you are, you will always care what someone thinks of you, especially when you lay your most honest thoughts out for all the world to see.
{Also, I am the 99%. Sorry, I couldn't help myself!}

"If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see?" Alice In Wonderland

The other reason I chose the Wonderland reference was because I tend to become consumed by things and can literally lose hours of my life chasing them down rabbit holes. Ironically, 2011 introduced me to the equivalent of crack for a habit like this, Pinterest, thus making my "falling" all the more enjoyable. Because my two great passions in life have anyways been Politics & Pop Culture, it's no surprise I posted commentary here following the State of the Union, various awards shows & even the Casey Anthony trial. I don't think I ever expected to start an actual conversation (although, sometimes it did), mostly, I just wanted to record my thoughts & feelings in the moment, when they were their strongest.

In 2012, my goal is to post twice as much as I did this year, but I don't plan to change my reasons for blogging; it will continue to be an outlet to share my life and my opinions with those who chose to venture down my rabbit hole. You might not always agree with me, but in the end, you should always know that I am mature enough to keep an open mind and will hear you out if you chose to challenge me on something that I post. In that same vein, not everything I post will interest you. That's okay too! Just don't give up on me if you aren't interested or disagree with a single post. Finally, because of my new enabler, Pinterest, I have discovered things that should be shared with my friends & family in a broader scope than simply posting them to a board with an ironic name. Assuming I can keep up with it, I plan to do a weekly post with just my favorite finds of the week. {for my blogger friends who are already doing a version of this, please take it as a compliment that I want to do this too & not that I am attempting to copycat or bandwagon your ideas - my post will be entirely compiled of things I find and if one of those things is found on your blog, believe me, you'll get the credit you deserve!}

Now, there's only one thing left before I close the books on 2011...

My thoughts on the year that was Pop Culture 2011:

Top 5 New TV Shows:
1) Revenge (abc)

via
2) American Horror Story (fx)

via
3) Hart of Dixie (cw)

Via
4) Once Upon A Time (abc)

Via
5) {tie}
Ringer (cw)

Via
The Lying Game (abc family)

Via

5 Favorite Returning Series:
1) The Good Wife (cbs)

Via
2) The Vampire Diaries (cw)

Via
3) Pretty Little Liars (abc family)

Via
4) {tie}
Glee (fox)

Via
Modern Family (abc)

Via
5) {tie}
Grey's Anatomy (abc)

Via
Private Practice (abc)

Via

Top 5 News Makers:
1) The Royal Wedding: Prince William, Kate Middleton & all things Pippa

Via
2) The Occupy Wall Street Movement

Via
3) The Casey Anthony Trial

Via
4) Political Scandals & Partisan Politics, i.e. Weinergate, Herman Cain, Gridlock on the Hill

Via
5) The Passing of Steve Jobs (aka: iSad)

Via

Top 5 Albums:
1) 21 - Adele

Via
2) Speak Now - Taylor Swift

Via
3) Live at Benaroya Hall with the Seattle Symphony - Brandi Carlile

Via
4) Teenage Dream - Katy Perry

Via
5) Lights - Ellie Goulding

Via

5 Most Played Tracks (according to my iPad & iPod play counts)
1) Someone Like You - Adele
2) Long Live & Better Than Revenge - Taylor Swift
3) Turn To Stone - Ingrid Michaelson
4) Gravity - Sara Bareilles
5) Twice - Little Dragon

I won't be posting lists for Books or Movies because I simply don't have a basis to list the top 5 of either. Since I spend my free time watching TV & cruising Pinterest, I don't see a lot of films. I did catch a few in the theatres this year, and by far, the best of them was Bridesmaids, I don't feel my experience with movies in 2011 merits a list.

Similarly, I started nearly a dozen books in 2011, but at this time, I've only finished 3 or 4 of them. I don't believe in resolutions, but one of my goals in 2012 is to finish all the books I've started and then only try to conquer one at a time.

Fun Fact: While finishing Game Change (I can't wait to see the HBO movie versionnext year!!) I felt the need to read Going Rouge by Sarah Palin. I went to my local library and checked it out, so as not to contribute to the fincial gain of the Palin family, and I read it cover to cover in the span of one weekend. I was relieved upon finishing the book to realize my feelings and assumptions about the person were still the same, if not even more cemented.

The other books I started this year were primarily biographies; I'm still reading Audition (Barbara Walters, been working on this one for nearly 5 years!), I've started 3 different books about Kate Middleton & the Royal Wedding/Couple, the Christina Haag biography about her relationship with JFK Jr "Come To The Edge" (thanks Kate S.!) and I got the Steve Jobs biography & Steven King's "11/22/63" for Christmas, so I shouldn't complain about not having anything to read in 2012!

To date, the Rabbit Hole has had 2,999 visitors; for something that I created as a place to share the thoughts I usually reserved for silent conversation in my head, I couldn't be more surprised by this number! Here's to 2012 and the hope that life will give me plenty of good material for even more tumbles down!

fight like a girl

SOTD: Melissa Ethridge - "I Run For Life"

Since October is Breast Cancer Awareness month, I wanted to share my story. Many people think this is a disease that only affects women over 40, but I am living proof that it can happen to almost any woman.
 
My story begins in the spring of 2002. I was a Junior year at the University of Tennessee and a member of Zeta Tau Alpha sorority. Our national philanthropy is Susan G. Koman For the Cure. Each October we saved lids & volunteered in the survivors tent at Race for the Cure. In April, we participated in 'Don't be a Fool' by handing out self-exam instruction cards to encourage women to do a self-check once a month in the shower.
 
It was around mid-April 2002 while following the instructions on one of those shower cards that I noticed a bump that hadn't been there before. It wasn't very big and didn't hurt, so I didn't think much about it at the time. A few weeks later, I was having my yearly check up and my doctor asked me to feel for lumps and it was still there. She, too, thought it might not be anything to worry about, and given that I was only 21 at the time, she instructed me to keep an eye on it and come back in 6 months for another check up. We didn't attempt a mammogram because, honestly, there wasn't enough there to xray and what little bit was there was still very dense due to my youth, which wouldn't give a very good picture of what was actually in there, anyway. If needed, my doctor explained, an ultra sound would provide a much better image of the mass, but we agreed to cross that bridge in 6 months, if we needed to.
 
I still wasn't overly concerned. I was about to go to DC for the summer to intern with my congressman and I was pretty certain people my age didn't get breast cancer. I made an appointment to return in October for check up and pretty much forgot about it.
 
The summer passed and I returned from DC to start my Senior year. In October, I went back for my scheduled check up. The lump was still there and it felt a little bigger. Despite my age, my doctor expressed real concern with what might be growing inside my chest. She insisted that I schedule an appointment to meet with a specialist at the Knoxville Comprehensive Breast Center (KCBC) to get an ultra sound and second opinion. 
 
About three weeks later, I had the ultra sound. Again, the mass was still there and it was visible on the scans, but there were other factors that didn't provide for a clear cut diagnosis. I had been diagnosed a few years before with Fibercystic Breast Disease, which is basically just lumpy boobs that are worsened by things like caffeine intake. There was a really good chance that the mass was simply a fluid filled cyst, but it was recommended that I get an MRI to determine whether or not it might be something more.  I should have been relieved by the optimism that what I had in my chest was a harmless cyst, but I was actually starting to grow a quite anxious thinking about the possibility that I might have cancer. Not just cancer, but breast cancer. At 22!
 
Another week passed and I had the MRI. I was told it would be a few days before the results would be available, and again, I was told, most likely, the mass was just a cyst and posed potentially no threat. 

By this time it was early December and my classes were all finishing up for the semester. I was just a few days away from closing the books for a much needed winter break. I will never forget, I had three exams in one day and I had just left class for the first of the three. My phone rang. It was the KCBC. My test results had come back and they were informing me that I was scheduled for surgery on December 23. I think, for a minute, the entire world stopped spinning. Not only was I getting the news that I would need surgery (specifically, a lumpectomy to extract the mass for biopsy), but my worst fears were becoming a reality. Forget the all nighter I had just pulled preparing for my other two finals, I couldn't have cared less about my exams at this point. To be honest, I know I took the tests, but I don't actually remember anything else that happened that day. Although, I am fairly certain it was my score on the American Studies final I took half an hour after the call that resulted in my grade dropping from an A to a B- for the semester.
 
The two weeks between the call and my surgery seemed to drag on. Each day I found something new to freak out and obsess over. It started with small things, like rearranging my furniture. A few days later it was midnight run to Wal-Mart to buy paint which was then used to repaint all of the wooden furniture in my bedroom. It's an understatement to say that I've got control issues, but it's absurd the lengths I would go to in order to feel like I was still in control. (Who knew you couldn't use a semi-gloss paint on poly-stained wood without a primer?!? It looked pretty ridiculous when I was finished repainting it, but I told anyone who saw it that the result was exactly what I had hoped for! ) 

I worked at J. Crew part-time for most of my undergraduate years & believe me when I say I broke all kinds of sales records that holiday season. Someone once told me, "If you can't get out of something, get into it." While I'm not entirely sure this is what they had in mind at the time, the general idea helped to motivate sales that generated a couple of gift cards, a really nice silver coffee mug & even a (pink!) cashmere sweater, which I still wear proudly. But I couldn't bury all of my fears in my work...
 
Mini panic attacks had become normal in the days leading up to my lumpectomy. It was nearly impossible to sleep and when I did I had terrible nightmares about losing my boobs, or worse yet, my hair. I had all but convinced myself I would end up with one boob and no hair, thereby securing my future as a spinster. I mean, who would want to marry such a ridiculous mess? Really?!? I wouldn't consider myself vain by any means, but even for someone who's typically not concerned with appearances, the idea of having your image or body altered as a result fighting a disease like this, can be more than unsettling.
 
I didn't share my news with many people. I guess there was part of me that was still in denial, hoping against hope that my worst fears weren't actually coming true and partly, too, because I just felt so overwhelmed with what was about to happen that putting it into words became almost clinical, and this, too, was unnerving. 
 
On December 23, 2002, I checked in to Fort Sanders before the sun had even come up. Terrified, with my mom by my side, I thought about how my life might be changing. In a matter of hours, everything would go back to normal or I would be facing the biggest challenge of my young life. I remember my mom, with tears in her eyes, saying, "everything is going to be okay" and although we both knew she didn't know if this was true or not, it made me feel better. My surgeon, Dr. Webber, who I had only met for the first time about fifteen minutes before when the nurse came in to give me 'a little something for my nerves' resurfaced to announce it was time to get started. He assured us that everything would be fine & that he had done this procedure hundreds of times. He told my mom that he would keep her updated every half hour until she could be with me again in recovery. With that, she squeezed my hand and kissed my forehead and I was taken to the OR. Another sedative was administered through my IV followed by an oxygen mask and the request that I count backward from ten. I don't remember anything past the 10, 9, 8...  and then, about 6 hours later, I began to wake up.

I am told I had a difficult time waking up from the anesthesia,  although, the only thing I can really remember from the day of my surgery was a conversation I overheard in the recovery room between Dr. Webber & my mom. At the time, I only made out a few words...removed, tumor, duct & cyst. I would learn later that the actual exchange went a little more like this:

Dr Webber: As we expected, the lump was actually a cyst.
Mom: So, there's nothing to worry about?!?
Dr: When we removed the cyst, we discovered the tumor growing behind it within the duct.
M: What does this mean?
Dr: It explains the inconsistencies in all the tests we ran before and I believe we've removed it all. We need to run some labs, but in a few days we should know more. For now, she should just rest & I will check on her in a day & two. 

And with that, and another hour or two in recovery, I was discharged. 

Since it was just a couple of days before Christmas, mom drove me back to her house in Crossville. I was determined not to let it get the best of me, and despite strong urgings from nearly every person in my life to wait, I insisted on returning to work for the 5am shift the day after Christmas. I did nothing but sleep for the next two days; on Christmas Eve, Dr. Webber called to check on my recovery post-op. He assured me that all things considered, I was in good shape & that he would call again in a few days with my lab results. I celebrated the baby Jesus with my family on the 25th and returned to Knoxville that night to prepare for work the following day. 

If you are squeamish or easy embarrassed, you might want to skip to the next paragraph...okay...you've been warned. The location of the incision couldn't have been more ideal, at least from the standpoint of the surgery & recovery. If you were to place your hand over your heart, as if to say the pledge of allegiance, the area just beside your pinkie finger, near the top outside corner of the left breast, was the location of the mass. Today it's the home of a pretty ugly scar, that at the time, I was promised would one day look like any other stretch mark. I guess they didn't expect me to lose 80 lbs in the two years that followed, but I digress. As with any surgery like this, after the masses were extracted, I had a few stitches and every few hours I would have to change the bandages. Considering I was still taking pain medication, it was probably not very smart to go back to work so soon, but I am nothing if not persistent. I think I made it until about noon before I threw in the towel. I was in so much pain I could hardly see straight. Despite my determination to not be held back, I conceded that I might need a few more days to recoup before jumping back into my old life at full force. 

It was about a week after surgery when I got the call I had been waiting for...my labs were back...and the news was really good! The tumor appeared to be benign (ductal carcinoma aka: DCIS) & because we caught it early, there was little chance that it would return following my treatment. This is the short story, of course, but in a couple of weeks I was scheduled to return to Dr. Webber's office at KCBC where we would follow up on new labs & make plans for radiation therapy. Although I wasn't thrilled with the idea of radiation treatments, I was relieved to know that we were no longer considering a worst case scenario situation. 

A few days before the follow-up consult, I went in for new scans & blood-work. Much to my surprise, when Dr. Webber came in for my appointment he gave me the best possible news, almost a month after surgery, my scans were completely clean & my blood-work was excellent! Other than one duct on the lower side of my left breast, which would need to be monitored each year for potential changes or growths, it looked as though I was out of the woods. And perhaps the best news of all, I didn't need the radiation therapy. We made plans to follow-up again in two months (in March), and then again three months later (in June) and then one last time six months after that (in December). Each time, all of my scans came back clean. 

At one of my follow-up appointments I mentioned to Dr. Webber that I was so lucky that I never actually had breast cancer. I will never forget the look on his face when he turned to me and said, in the most serious voice I ever heard him use, "just because you didn't have to fight, doesn't mean it wasn't there," he went on the explain that although I had a considerably easy battle, which is not typical of the average patient, had I not caught it so early, had I waited until I was 35 or 40 to get my first mammogram, the likelihood that I would beat it was less than half & I would've most likely lost one, if not both my breasts. After everything I had gone through, this was the first time I really accepted that I was a survivor, and one of the luckiest, at that! 

My annual check-ups never cease to raise a few eyebrows and inevitably at least one of the other (older) women in the waiting room will ask me what on earth I'm doing there. I always smile when this happens because I know that the next time they talk to their daughter or best friend, they are probably going to tell my story, and it will probably start with "...you are never going to believe how young this girl I met in the waiting room at the breast center was...!" Eventually my youth won't stand out, but for now, I don't mind the stares & extra attention, especially if it helps others realize they, or someone they love, might be at risk.

I regret that I didn't share my story with more of my friends earlier. If I had told more people 9 years ago when I was living it, who knows how many people might have discovered a potential risk and taken measures to ensure their future breast health? My hope is that young women will understand this isn't always a disease that strikes later in life. With the technology available today, there is no reason the women of my generation should have to fight the way our mothers & grandmothers have. You can get more information about breast health & ways you can help in the fight against breast cancer by visiting ww5.komen.org (Susan G Komen) and www.knoxvillebreastcenter.com (Knoxville Comprehensive Breast Center).  

I continue to get yearly scans to monitor my breast health and this December I will celebrate 9 years of being cancer free. I know many who aren't as lucky, and unfortunately, more than I would like to admit, who've lost the battle. 

I used to be ashamed of my scar. I hated to let anyone see it. Over time, that has changed. Now, every time I look down I am reminded that life shouldn't be taken for granted. 

I believe wholeheartedly that in my life we will see a cure. 
Until then... fight like a girl! 
 
 

The Story: The Opry and Me

 ...sometimes being happy can be self destructive even when you're sane, you're only insane...  My Song

Brandi Carlile via

If you know me, you know I love music. All kinds of music. And there is nothing I like more than finding new artists, really great voices or songwriters, before they go mainstream. 
About 6 years ago, I found Brandi Carlile. (Okay, so, technically, 'I' didn't discover her...) I had heard one of her songs on one Grey's Anatomy and ended up downloading her entire library. Much to my surprise, 20+ songs later, I still hadn't heard anything I didn't LOVE!

oh, lord, what can I say? I'm so sad since you went away. Time, time, ticking on me. Alone is the last place I wanted to be. Lord, what can I say?  What Can I Say

Before shot of a dressing room (May '07)

Fast forward a couple of years; I get an opportunity of a lifetime when the show I had worked on for 3 years is asked to assist in the renovation of one of country music's greatest institutions, the Grand Ole Opry. In addition to helping plan the redesign of four dressings rooms, I got the special privilege of making weekly visits to interview performers visiting for the Tuesday & Saturday night shows. I got paid to hang out backstage and do interviews with the likes of Dierks Bentley, Rodney Atkins, Pam Tillis & Craig Morgan. Yes, I was a pretty lucky girl!

Me & Rodney Atkins (June'07)

Me & Dierks Bentley (May '07)

Taking you with me would be like taking all your money to the grave; it does no good to anyone, especially the one your trying to save. But it's so hard not to save. Tragedy

photo courtesy: Associated Press

But this was not the first time I had been to the Opry. Actually, in the fall of 1999, my freshman year at UT, I made my first visit to the Opry house with my DECA friend Tracey and a new friend we made at school, Amber. Amber's dad was friends with the house drummer. So, naturally, when we went home with Amber one weekend, we got to experience a Saturday night show from one of the most coveted spots in the house...sitting on the stage in front of the legendary red barn.

I started losing sleep & gaining weight. Wishing I was 10 again, so I could be your friend again. Turpentine

photo courtesy: Associated Press

Over the course of the last 12 years, I've entered the Opry house hundreds of times, but last week was a first for me. It was the first time I had to pay to see a performance, but more importantly, it was the first time I've entered through the front doors!

Should've learned to style my hair. So I could never sleep at night. I've never mastered eating right. Distracted by the skin I wear. Eye Of The Needle

The best TV production crew. EVER. (May '07)

Me & Josh Turner (May '07)

A milestone, to say the least, but it was also very cathartic. Many of my Opry memories are tied to the events that were happening in my life at those times. In 1999 it was the challenges & first experiences as a young naive freshman in college, living away from home for the first time. A few years later, I had just broken up with the guy I thought I might marry, because I thought it was a good career move (ha! If I had known then...). It would be an understatement to say that these things were running through my mind constantly in the days leading up to my return.

The path of least resistance is catching up with me again today.  Again Today

Me & Little Jimmy (June '07)

Of course, I didn't know of Brandi Carlile in college. (I'd say only a handful of people, mostly in the Seattle area, did.) Although, I am sure I would have played her CDs on a constant loop, much like I did Alanis Morrisette in high school, had I known she was out there! Aside from her hauntingly beautiful voice, Carlile has a way of writing lyrics that can make your heart burst with emotion while simultaneously ripping it to shreds. (Much like Adele, only grittier...if possible) When I saw that she was playing the Opry with Ray LaMontagne, I knew I had to be there.

Follow your heart and see where it might take you. Don't let the world outside there break you. They know not who you are inside. They've never felt your hell. Follow

photo courtesy: Associated Press

After work on Wednesday, with my new friend, Melissa Ellis in tow, I headed to Nashville. So much has happened since the last time I visited the Opry. Despite making every effort to maintain control, my life has endured massive & permanent changes that have completely broken me down. And let's not forget the flood of 2010 that left the Opry & most of Nashville under water. All the work we did to renovate those dressing rooms was undone with the passing of a storm. Much like the Opry, I too have had to rebuild. The irony of the whole thing is not lost on me.

...all my friends who think that I'm blessed, they don't know my head is a mess... The Story 

I didn't feel worthy to step on the infamous circle. photo by: S.Kowal

For me, the full circle moment came as I listened to the most heartbreaking performance of The Story I had ever heard. Sitting practically in the rafters staring down at the infamous wooden circle at the forefront of the Opry stage, I got lost for a moment, remembering some of the biggest moments of my life, good & bad. And for the first time I began to wonder what the greater plan is. If everything has a purpose, what purpose does the heartbreak serve? What was the purpose of allowing a silly renovation project to completely take over my life for eight weeks in the summer of 2007, to have all the hard work completely undone? How could I have made so many huge decisions so casually, like I was incapable of being wrong? I put so much time, energy and importance on things, that just a few years later, wouldn't even be a part of my life. 
Before I even knew it, the tears had begun to fall and for the first time in years I felt myself let go. And then it hit me. The purpose is not to accomplish our own goals, the purpose must be greater. The purpose is about getting back up when your knocked down. It's about finding a way around the challenges & it's got to be about learning to let yourself give in when every instinct is telling you not to. The purpose isn't about one thing or person. It's about discovering who you are, when everything on the outside is removed.

It's not about hanging on. It's making my deal with God. If I could call one last truce. We've given it all we've got. The Heartache Can Wait

After: Women of Country Dressing Room (June '07)

The Opry experience was something I wanted to hold onto for as long as possible. Not for the projects completed in the renovation or the country music stars I met & interviewed, but for the friendships that were formed there and the people who are no longer in my life. Nostalgia is a funny thing; it's the only version of history that can turn tears into laughter and wipe away all anger and heartache, leaving memories of only the good stuff.

I was angry. I was a baptist. I was a daughter. I was wrong. That Year

Brandi Carlile via

While I enjoyed one of my favorite artists performing on a legendary stage, I couldn't help but wonder, was that the best I would get? Have I peaked too early? Will the rest of my life just be average? 
If so, I think I could be okay with that, but honestly, I feel like I've barely gotten started and I can't wait to see where the next rabbit hole takes me!




September 21, 2011:





Bonus SOTD: Brandi Carlile - "Creep"

2/10 not my best night...there's always next year!

SOTD: The Heavy - "How You Like Me Now"

The 2011 Emmys are a wrap and I think this might have been my worst year of predictions yet! I went 2/10 (only 20% correct); and I call myself a TV lover, I should be ashamed...there, I beat myself up so you won't have to!!

But seriously, I think the winners were deserving but I will let you confirm this on your own. Ihave noted my 2 accurate picks with an *

Comedy
Series: Modern Family*
Actor: Jim Parsons
Actress: Melissa McCarthy
Sup Actor: Ty Burrell
Sup Actress: Julie Bowen

Drama
Series: Mad Men
Actor: Kyle Chandler
Actress: Julianna Margulies*
Sup Actor: Peter Dinklage
Sup Actress: Margo Martindale


Now for the fashion...

Best Dressed
Archie Panjabi (The Good Wife)

Best Looking Couple
Nina Dobrev & Ian Somerhalder (The Vampire Diaries)

Also, Best Dressed
Sarah Hyland

Diana Agron

Heather Morris

it's the most wonderful night of the year

SOTD - Ellie Goulding "Starry Eyed"

It's no secret that I have a deep love for all things television, and it's worth saying again, 'You can kick the girl out of TV, but you'll never kick the TV outta the girl!'; it's still a life goal to one day win one of these beautiful statuettes myself!!

This was a great year for television and the time has come to honor those who made last season so great. Tonight at 8/7 pm on Fox, the Emmys will broadcast live across the globe. My predictions for the biggest awards are below.

2011 Primetime Emmy ballot

Outstanding Drama Series - my pick: "The Good Wife"
Although I believe "Mad Men" will likely win, I really think "The Good Wife" deserves this win. As a whole, this is a well written and the actors are fantastic. It's been a while since I fell in love with a show like this. For me, it has it all! (also, I've never seen an episode of Made Men. I know, shocker!)

1. "Friday Night Lights"
2. "Game of Thrones" 
3. "The Good Wife"
4. "Dexter"
5. "Mad Men"
6. "Boardwalk Empire"

Outstanding Comedy Series - my pick: "Modern Family"
I don't think there's any question here. As much as I would love to see Glee take this, I just don't think they can pull it off this year.

1. "Modern Family" 
2. "The Big Bang Theory"
3. "Parks and Recreation"  
4. "Glee" 
5. "The Office" 
6. "30 Rock" 

Outstanding Lead Actor in a Drama - my pick: "Steve Buscemi"
If Michael C. Hall were going to win this, it would have happened last year. And since I don't watch Mad Men, I gotta go with what I know, and I know that Buscemi makes Boardwalk Empire spark.

1. Jon Hamm, "Mad Men" 
2. Hugh Laurie, "House"
3. Michael C. Hall, "Dexter" 
4. Kyle Chandler, Friday Night Lights 
5. Timothy Olyphant, "Justified" 
6. Steve Buscemi, "Boardwalk Empire"

Outstanding Lead Actress in a Drama - my pick: "Julianna Margulies"
Connie Britton, is a very close second, but again, I have to stand behind my earlier statement and JM brings Alicia Florrick to life!

1. Connie Britton, "Friday Night Lights"
2. Julianna Margulies, "The Good Wife"
3. Elisabeth Moss, "Mad Men" 
4. Mariska Hargitay, "Law & Order: SVU" 
5. Mireille Enos, "The Killing" 
6. Kathy Bates, "Harry's Law" 

Outstanding Lead Actor in a Comedy - my pick: "Steve Carell"
The awards shows have been pretty consistent lately when it comes to giving a last chance win vote and due to Carell's departure from The Office, I totally predict that's what will happen here. Also a possibility, Jim Parsons could win. But I really think it will be Carell.

1. Jim Parsons, "The Big Bang Theory" 
2. Steve Carell, "The Office" 
3. Johnny Galecki, "The Big Bang Theory" 
4. Louis C.K., "Louie" 
5. Matt LeBlanc, "Episodes" 
6. Alec Baldwin, "30 Rock" 

Outstanding Lead Actress in a Comedy - my pick: "Amy Poehler"*
This is the closest category of all and I would almost rather not make a pick, but I believe for this category, Amy is the best. All of these women are fantastic and I would not be disappointed to see any one of them take home the Emmy!

1. Amy Poehler, "Parks and Recreation" 
2. Melissa McCarthy, "Mike & Molly"
3. Martha Plimpton, "Raising Hope" 
4. Tina Fey, "30 Rock" 
5. Laura Linney, "The Big C" 
6. Edie Falco, "Nurse Jackie"

Outstanding Supporting Actress in a Drama - my pick: "Archie Panjabi"
She won before and her work during the second half of last season was incredible. I would be very disappointed if she did not win!

1. Archie Panjabi, "The Good Wife"
2. Margo Martindale, "Justified" 
3. Christina Hendricks, "Mad Men"
4. Christine Baranski, "The Good Wife"
5. Michelle Forbes, "The Killing" 
6. Kelly Macdonald, "Boardwalk Empire" 

Outstanding Supporting Actor in a Drama - my pick: "Alan Cumming" 
I don't think Alan is a lock for this one, but I do believe he deserves it. I should note, I don't watch any of the other shows in this category. 

1. Andre Braugher, "Men of a Certain Age"
2. Peter Dinklage, "Game of Thrones" 
3. Alan Cumming, "The Good Wife"
4. Walton Goggins, "Justified" 
5. John Slattery, "Mad Men" 
6. Josh Charles, "The Good Wife"

Outstanding Supporting Actress in a Comedy - my pick: "Kristen Wiig"
She deserves this, but it seems the real heat here is between Betty & Jane. I love Betty, but I don't think she's best here and unfortunately, Jane didn't really have a huge part in last season, although the episode where her sister died was really touching, it wasn't great comedy. If SNL didn't have Kristen Wiig, I probably wouldn't watch. (okay, I would, but it wouldn't be as great!)

1. Jane Lynch, "Glee" 
2. Sofia Vergara, "Modern Family" 
3. Betty White, "Hot In Cleveland" 
4. Julie Bowen, "Modern Family" 
5. Kristen Wiig, "Saturday Night Live"
6. Jane Krakowski, "30 Rock" 

Outstanding Supporting Actor in a Comedy - my pick: "Chris Colfer"
And he deserves this! (Pip-Pip-Poray, the life story of Pippa Middleton, anyone?) Although, I will admit if anyone else deserves it just as much, it's Ty Burrell. But the possibility that votes for MF cast will end up splitting the vote to give an edge to Chris Colfer exsists, so I stand by my pick.

1. Chris Colfer, "Glee" 
2. Ty Burrell, "Modern Family" 
3. Ed O'Neill, "Modern Family"
4. Eric Stonestreet, "Modern Family" 
5. Jon Cryer, "Two and a Half Men" 
6. Jesse Tyler Ferguson, "Modern Family" 

Join me on twitter as I live tweet from red carpet to Governor's Ball @utalicia

where were you?

SOTD:
Alan Jackson - "Where Were You (When the World Stopped Spinning)"

I was in the first weeks of my 3rd year of undergrad at UT. I was a speech communications major and I had stacked my schedule with Tuesday/Thursday classes. This allowed me to enjoy 4 day weekends, but made for long days of back to back classes that began promptly at 8am and didn't allow for my first break until well into the afternoon hours. I lived a pretty typical life for a college student and this is how I remember 9/11...

8:00am
Running late to my Speech Comm class, as usual. Arrived a couple of minutes late in my 'uniform' of black yoga pants and a sorority t-shirt.

8:25am
Gave a speech, the topic was persuasion, if I remember correctly; it lasted maybe 3 minutes and I earned an A (despite my attire)

8:46am
The first plane crashed into The World Trade Center.

8:50am
Class was over and I made my way up one floor and down the hall for my next class, Poli Sci (for those of you who know the UT campus, I was in the Humanities Building); as I made my way through the halls I overheard fractured conversations about something that was happening in NYC. From what I could make out, there was a lot of chatter about a 'small' plane that had 'accidentally' crashed into a large building. At this point no one was really terrified, just a little dumbstruck with shock that someone could be so reckless.

9:01am
Took my seat and began to review notes for the exam I was about to take.

This is probably a good place to point out that cell phones were in the early stages of text messaging and I'm not sure I knew anyone who did it on a regular basis; wi-fi was unheard of, most computers, laptop and PC, required a connect via blue Ethernet cord to access the Internet and it would be few years before immediate access to information would be available as it is today.

9:03am
The second plane hit.





9:05am
Poli Sci 101 began (I still had no clue what was happening). Despite a few attempts from concerned students, the professor insisted nothing would interfere with our first scheduled major exam. He informed the class that if anyone walked out, they would receive a failing score for this exam and it would be almost impossible to pass the course. Tests were distributed & four people walked out. {In the week that followed, our professor apologized for not taking the information more seriously and decided those tests were not going to count for our semester average after all.}

9:45am
I had finished my exam and left class a little early. I still can't remember who explained what was happening in NYC, but I remember being in the first floor lobby of the building, picking up a copy of The Daily Beacon and preparing to head to my 10:10am class when I got the news that America was under attack. What I had believed to be a simple accident less than an hour before was, in fact, no accident at all.

There was a growing consensus that the last place anyone needed to be that day was in class. Not because we were afraid of an attack on the campus, although I don't know anyone who would have ruled it out, but because there was this feeling that we should just go home, back to our friends & loved ones, until we could understand exactly what was happening.

During this year, I lived in a dorm, specifically, Greve Hall, 6th floor; it was the on campus housing assigned to my sorority. It was a great place to live, if you were going to live on campus, because it was closest to the academic buildings and was located right off the strip (aka: Cumberland Ave).

As I rerouted myself back to the dorm, I stopped for a moment to take in the magnitude of the information I had just heard. I said a quite prayer, not knowing exactly who or what I should be praying for, but praying all the same that God be in control and asking for his guidance & protection over my life, the lives of those I loved & the lives of those I would never know. I don't think I realized it immediately, but tears had begun to stream down my face. With each step I was getting closer to 'home' and unfortunately, closer to seeing the devastation on television for the first time. There was a moment along the way when I stopped and stood in the moment; I remember thinking how things were about to change and that, as a country, we would probably never be the same again.

By the time my 10:10 class began, without me, I had made my way back to my dorm room and I watched as the footage replayed over and over. I watched it for the first time alone. But it didn't take long for a group of us to gather in our (seldom used) Study Room to watch together as it seemed like everyone tried to make sense of it all. I remember one friend, in particular, who was on her cell phone crying uncontrollably as she reached out to her mother to get reassurance that family members who worked in the buildings were safe.

At some point, I called my own mother. We were both in shock and I remember the relief in her voice when she began to speak. I wasn't sure where I should be. We talked about whether I should come home or stay put. We talked about why someone would do something so terrible. We talked about what might happen next. In the end, I stayed on campus, although, we both agreed that if Oak Ridge had been a target, I don't think either of us would have been very safe; she was 30 miles west and I was 25 miles east.

Perhaps it's because so much of what happened that day took place in less than 2 hours at the beginning of the day, or maybe subconsciously I chose not to remember the rest, but the remainder of the day is a blur. Sometime around noon the University officially cancelled classes and a candlelight vigil was in the works. A campus that was friendly, by nature, had become almost like one big family. Complete strangers were comforting one another. It was the only time in my college career, that I can remember, when in the week leading up to the big UT/Florida game, there wasn't really any 'Gator-Hating'! Eventually, like many big events scheduled in the days and weeks that followed (i.e. The Emmys), the game was postponed and played at the end of the season {final score 34-32; the #6 Vols beat the #2 Gators in the Swamp for the first time in 30 years!}.

The one thing that seemed to go on forever was the coverage. I purposely left out the word 'news' because the coverage was found on EVERY channel. Living in campus housing I paid each semester for campus cable. It wasn't a lot, but in all UT was about 50 channels. In the hours and days following the attack, I remember seeing some type of news feed on every single channel we had. The most prominent memory is Comedy Central. It was incredibly bizarre to see actual news broadcast here instead of the typical satire that I had become fond of following the 2000 election and the hanging chad debacle. Another significant change on television was the birth of news as entertainment; not a far stretch at this point, seeing how the only thing going out across the airwaves for days was commentary and new information about the people and events of that horrible day. It makes sense that the news networks would try to get as much information out at once as possible and so began the split screens and multiple news crawls across the screen, a tactic that has been scaled down by most, but still proves incredibly effective for at least one cable news channel.

Lots of other things changed following that day; for a country that once boasted 'freedom' we quickly become a nation that released many of those freedoms in exchange for what we believed would be security and protection. At airports, if you didn't have a ticket you could no longer access the terminals; this is still puzzling for me as I'm fairly certain the men who hijacked those planes had tickets and boarded them that morning just like everyone else. Sorry if I seem a little less than grateful for the security measures here, but the generation after mine will never know what it was like to sit in an airport terminal and watch as people say their goodbyes, loved ones are reunited or a man surprised his girlfriend by popping the question, all of which are thing I have witnessed myself on more than one occasion. Sure, you can still do this in baggage claim or outside security, but it's really not the same.

Nearly eighteen months after we entered what we thought was the 'War on Terrorism' a significant attack on Afghanistan took place. This, too, was a day that I will always remember as it happened in the middle of my Spring Break. It was my senior year at UT and I was with a group of my sorority sisters on a Royal Caribbean Cruise. There was only one place on the ship where I remember a television that wasn't on the CC broadcast that went to the cabins, it was located near the center of the ship in one of the larger bars. I can still remember sitting in an oversized, half circle leather chair for most of the day as we watched the attacks on a CNN feed. As the news spread around the boat, the bar began to fill with people. I bet I sat there for six hours straight, fearful of leaving my seat because I knew I would not be able to get it back. What frightened me even more, at the time, was that I was on a cruise in international waters and the US had entered into war. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't just a little bit concerned about my odds of being able to reenter the country a few days later. Obviously, these fears were not merited and we made it back, safe and sound. Unfortunately, for many men and women who have fought in the 'War onTerror' the same cannot be said; it is also widely believed that this particular mission, known as Operation Anaconda, allowed Osama Bin Laden and many other extremely dangerous terrorists the opportunity to escape to Pakistan.

As we mark ten years since the horrible attacks of 9/11, I reflect with a heavy heart on the nation we once were and the dreams we once had. Over the last few days I've watched countless people recount the events they witnessed that day and I almost consider myself lucky; I didn't watch in horror as the events unfolded live on the morning news, I wasn't forced to deal with the implications of these attacks immediately and perhaps most importantly, I wasn't in one of the cities that experienced unexplainable devastation as a result of the hijacked planes. My heart still aches when I watch the footage and hear the personal accounts. I can't begin to know what those people have gone through, and for that I am thankful. I still miss the way things were and the idea of what could be. Perhaps, most of all, I miss our nation of unity.

Where were you and how did your life change on 9/11?

my rocky start on rocky top

SOTD: Kenny Chesney - "Touchdown Tennessee"

Today is one of my favorite days of the year, right behind my birthday & Black Friday, it's officially the start of the college football season. And before I go any further, I would like to address the 'elephant' in the room...against all my instincts, I've decided to call a truce with my family and our Tennessee/Alabama/Georgia rivalries. Well, that is, of course, until we play each other! So as long as you aren't playing my precious Vols, I suppose I can, at the very least, think happy thoughts. 

Except for Florida. It's just too much to ask.

As the Vols prepare to kick off against Montana, I am reminded of my very first Tennessee game. It was the fall of 1999, my freshman year at the University of Tennessee. I had been on campus for about two & a half weeks, one of which was spent going through sorority rush, so as the season opener against Wyoming approached, my anticipation grew with each passing day.

For those of you who didn't grow up on Rocky Top, you should probably know that in the year prior, the Vols won the National Championship. And if I'm being honest, much to my mother's disappointment, yes, this was part of the reason I chose to go to UT. 

You see, I'm pretty sure my first words were "Roll Tide", until I was about 9 years old, I thought Tuscaloosa was a vacation destination and until I was about 14 I thought Bear Bryant was my great Uncle! Tennessee was never on my radar, well, at least not until I was in High School. I'll be honest, I liked to pretend that I knew football back then, but I didn't really know much at all. Although my family is convinced my acceptance at UTK was some sort of long planned out rebellion, I can assure you, my decision had more to do with in state tuition and the comforts of home than trying to darken the wool of an already black sheep!

So, back to my story, as the big Labor Day/Game weekend began I was ready to blow off a little steam. Granted, I was 18 and a little naive, but I was ready to live the college life, full force, and an off-campus party seemed like a great place to start.

I don't remember a lot from this night, and it's not because I was so wasted...at least I don't think so! What I remember is having a couple of beers and then, typical of the klutz that I am, I took one mis-step and rolled my ankle as I fell off the sidewalk. As usual, I just sort of shook it off and kept going, I was determined not to miss a moment of that night and a little twist wasn't going to slow me down.

That was a decision I would regret the following morning. I don't remember how I got to my bed that night, but I will never forget what I saw when I woke up the next day. My ankle was the size of a softball and a color more fitting of an LSU fan. I knew I didn't have a choice, I had to get an X-ray to make sure I hadn't broken anything. 

So I spent most of my day in the UT Medical Center ER. How did I get myself there, you might ask? Police escort. Yes, it was actually that bad. While I can't think of anything more humiliating, I had also never felt anything quite so painful, and the one outweighed the other! 

After several hours, four ice-packs and two x-rays, I left with a shiny pair of crutches and a sprained ankle. Instructions from the doctor included more ice packs, elevation and not even a mention of the game, I would assume because anyone in their right mind would know, you probably shouldn't attempt Neyland Stadium on crutches...but even then I was was a left thinker...and nothing was going to keep me from that game!

In continued humiliation, I crutched my way from Presidential Courtyard to Neyland Stadium. (If you don't know how stubborn I am by now, I'm pretty sure you're not breathing!) By the time I got to my seat, I had missed the run through the Power T, and most of my friends had been tailgating all day and between the overwhelming smells of whiskey, vomit and sweat, I was beginning to wonder why I was so he'll bent on going to that game. 

And then it happened. I witnessed my very first real live Tennessee Touchdown! It was like nothing I had ever se

en. Watching the game on TV is nothing like the adrenaline rush that comes from sitting in a sea of orange with 100,000 of your closest friends. Throwing high-fives with complete strangers and singing Rock Top until your voice gives out. This was it, this was the college experience I never knew I always wanted! 

Over the years I learned that I really did love the game, but I especially loved my Volunteers! In good times and bad, I stuck by them and I can honestly say, I bleed orange! As we kick-off a new season, I raise my orange Dixie cup and offer a toast to remembering the glory days and making new memories of greatness!

Rocky Top, you'll always be, home sweet home to me. 
Good 'ole Rocky Top! 
Rocky Top Tennessee!!

Alicia Watson: BB True Hollywood Story

SOTD: OneRepublic "Good Life"

To many, my obsession with Big Brother is probably borderline insane. But what most of you don't know is that I have watched this show since the very first season and have even gone through the casting process three times over the course of the last twelve years!

The first season premiered the summer before I went away to college. My mom and I were hooked all summer and when I moved away that fall, we would call each other and watch it together over the phone long distance. As any mother/daughter relationship goes, there were times when we had little or nothing to say to each other, but we kept these phone dates and if nothing else, Big Brother was our topic for conversation. This ritual continued with each year I lived away from home and even now, we look forward to the beginning of July more because we know the house guests have been chosen and are moving in than we do for the holiday on the 4th!

 

The first time I applied to be on the show was a fluke. I was working with J. Crew at West Town Mall in Knoxville in the Spring of 2003. The production team had set up shop outside the store to hold an open casting call. I had half an hour for lunch and nothing to do, so I filled out an application and sat down with a producer for a brief on-camera interview.

 

I didn't hear back that season, so I assumed that my dreams of becoming one of the hamsters picked to have my every move recorded within the confines of the BB house were pretty much over. But low and behold, out of the blue, around the end of March 2004, I received a phone call from the casting directors and they had not forgotten about me. I didn't know this at the time, but the twist for that season would be Project DNA: Do Not Assume, and based on the information I had provided on my application a year earlier, I was looking like a good candidate for one of their DNA related twists. For several weeks I continued to conduct phone interviews with the casting department and eventually my options for the Summer of 2004 began to take an interesting shape.

 

I was working on my first year of graduate school at the time, and not knowing that BB would come calling, I had signed up to spend my summer in Paris, France participating in a study abroad program designed around the concept of communication in global business markets. In fact, our trip was set to begin with a flight out of America on the 4th of July.

 

So as May approached and I continued to receive phone calls to request more information related to possibly being cast on the upcoming season of BB, I was starting to think that perhaps instead of heading across the pond for the summer, I might be traveling to the left coast and I began to get really excited. It was Mother's Day weekend when I got the call that sent me over the edge.

 

I got a call that Saturday from a guy on the casting team, once again requesting additional information and following up on other statements from my application. But this time, before he hung up, he said, "...if there is anything that you've shared with us that might come out on national television, that your family is not aware of, this would be a good time to fill them in." The following day, Mother's Day, I called my mother and filled her in on every possible thing that might be upsetting if she had heard about it for the first time with the rest of America. (Since I was not cast, and so far, have still not been cast, I will spare you the juicy details. Just know that to this day, I refer to this as the year I ruined Mother's Day.)

 

I received one last call from the casting associates for that season around the beginning of June. It was still unclear if I would be heading to LA for the final interviews, but I was told if I didn't hear from them within the next week, I could assume I would not be joining the cast that season. A week passed and I bought my flight to Paris. Coincidentally, on the same day that I flew to Europe for my summer abroad, the chosen house guests were entering the BB house to start the season. 

 

A few years later, I submitted another application. I had become a really big fan of the show and due to the writer's strike, BB had a special Spring edition. I didn't get the application in time to be considered for that season, but a few months later (March 2008), out of the blue, I got a call from the casting directors asking if I would be interested in possibly being considered for the upcoming summer season. They asked me to submit another application and video before April 1st.

 

Once again, I begin to feel a rush of excitement at the possibility and began working on what would become over 20 pages of application. I spent days thinking about the video submission and eventually ended up filming the entire thing in one take while sitting on the counter top of a fake set in the empty studios at my office. On March 31st, I shipped all the materials overnight to the casting department. I received one follow up email and then nothing more. Once again, my dreams were shattered.

 

I am determined to play this game. I have not applied for either of the last two seasons. Mostly because I put on some extra weight after my move to Atlanta last year and I didn't feel comfortable with myself enough to really go for it. However, that weight is starting to come off, more and more with each passing month and I fully expect I will be ready to try again for next season.

 

I don't want to be on the show because I want to be famous or for the 'celebrity' of it. I want to be on the show to play the game! Each year, when I watch at home, I am envious of the people who are chosen to participate. I always believe I would play the mental game better and the actual physical games seem like so much fun, I just really want to be a part of it all; one of the chosen few.

 

So, you see, what might seem obsessive to some is simply my dream waiting to come true!