just breathe...

SOTD: "Breathe" Anna Nalick

"2am & he calls me 'cause I'm still awake. Can you help me unravel my latest mistake, I don't love her, winter just wasn't my season." {stuck in a constant loop in my head}

Maybe I'm a masochist. For the last couple of weeks I've gone back to the old me, or at least tried to find what's left of her. The happy, active, creative, optimistic me. Those things that have been so buried I wondered if I'd ever find them again. 

It's going to sound crazy, but the catalyst was something so small (and at this moment, quite insignificant) but the mere possibility, that if all comes together, in just the right way, I might get a second chance to do work I can actually be proud of, in my favorite city, near my favorite people...as hard as I try, I can't help but get my hopes up. Even crazier, a year ago, I said I would NEVER move back to Knoxville; suddenly it's all I can think about. I can't remember the last time I wanted something so badly. 

The trouble with this is that I've really only begun to scrape the surface of the wounds left from the last year I lived there. It took over 4 years, but I can finally put it behind me & appreciate the motto I so freely spew 'Everything Happens For A Reason'. I don't think I really understood that saying until recently. It may not even be true, but it helps process things that just can't be explained. The idea that maybe our lives are written for us even before we begin living them; it's the closest thing you can get to a band-aid for a broken heart. There's an amount of optimism to that which feels familiar. 

Slowly I've started doing some of the things that I did often before everything changed, but couldn't allow myself to enjoy for a long time after, like painting. It's been really great. I forgot how much I loved it until I started a big project late last year. I also forgot how if I don't pay attention, I can go on for hours on end without eating or sleeping. I just get lost in the details & perfection. 

Very few things are within my control & anytime I'm faced with a new challenge, particularly like the insignificant, life-altering possibility at hand, I find new ways to occupy every waking moment. Without a distraction, the waiting alone will drive me nuts. (It should come as no surprise that I started writing this entry at 3am!) 

So tonight, while fighting insomnia that hasn't really been a problem since May when I was prepping for my 6 month check-up, I started watching old episodes of The Hills that I've been DVR'ing all week. This combined with switching up my driving soundtrack (I usually listen to newer stuff from my iPad, but for the last couple of weeks I've pulled out the old iPod; mostly music pre-2010, but all of my favorite songs are on it) well, it all takes me back to a different place & time. I'm watching The Hills, LC & Heidi's friendship severed at the same time I severed a friendship that I never imagined would end. And ours was over something much less serious, but it doesn't stop the flood of memories that continue to rush in. I hear songs on my iPod and instantly I'm standing in my grey bedroom pacing the floor beside my bed, on the phone with 'Somebody That I Used To Know'... He's saying "I love you" for the first time, I'm folding laundry & drafting an exit strategy (because, c'mon, it's only been 3 months, how the hell could you already be in love with me...I still don't know how you like your coffee...) or the night I realized I would never talk to my first love & true 'boy-friend' ever again. It probably sounds ridiculous to most people but I have an unhealthy relationship with many things and music ranks among the top 3. My commutes to & from work (when not having a marathon chat season with my BFFs) is always filled with music, but lately I've been playing radio roulette with my old iPod. (For those wondering, it's basically pondering the meaning of life based on whatever song pops up next on the shuffled mix; given my taste in music, it's rare that I get something that doesn't provide profound context or at the very least & awesome sing-along track!)

Maybe that's why it's after 4 & I'm still awake trying to process what I simply can't say. I know change is coming. It's exciting. It's terrifying. But worst of all, I have very little control over any of it. My friends will know what to say to make me feel like I'm still in control. I'm not sure if they're aware that they do this or if its just part of our friendship that happens naturally, without effort, but I've got 4 friends who never let me down & always know when to give me that extra attention I hate asking for but sometimes desperately need. For me, this is a harsh reality. The mere fact that I can acknowledge I want/need attention drives me nuts because being fiercely independent is kind of my thing. Nonetheless, I admit, from time to time I do. 

I was talking with a friend last night & she noted a difference in the tone of my voice. She's not wrong. It was just a couple of weeks ago I was so frustrated & just didn't know how to get out of it. In fact, the night before I get the great news that could change everything, I cried all the way home. I didn't talk to anyone that night & I was more lost & uncertain than I'd been in a very long time, if not ever. But one tiny positive sign turned everything around & now I am starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel. 

Back to Radio Roulette for a moment... The last song that played before I got home was The Alternate Routes "Please Don't Let It Be". It seems this song take a new point of context every time I hear it. The context changes based on the challenges in my life which make certain lyrics stick out. Tonight the lyrics I can't stop thinking about are in the main chorus: 

"Believe me, that you're standing on the edge of something good/But it's the hardest thing you ever had to do/Truth be told, you're begging on your knees/Singing please don't let it, please don't let it be"

I'm not sure why these are the words haunting me tonight. Maybe it's my fear of change; of making the same mistakes all over again. Sometimes I get so wrapped up thinking about what will happen 3 steps ahead that I miss what's right under my feet. I've had many regrets, in hindsight. People I wish I had spent more time with & no longer have that option; people I wish I hadn't given so much of my time to, knowing now, I'll never get it back. I see photos of what my life could've been if I hadn't been so headstrong, career driven & afraid of letting someone get too close. I see everyone around me moving forward and it's like I'm stuck in a glass box that's shatterproof. My best friend got married earlier this year & although we say it wont change our friendship, I dont expect to have the same crazy random fun our friendship was built on. I have no doubts we will remain friends but I also know there are now two other people who come first and I couldn't be happier about that, honestly. My other best friend still works for the company that broke my heart. Not only that, but she's there at least 6 days a week & works much later than she should, so when we find the time to talk, it's hard to avoid certain topics that leave me feeling unsettled; I hear about people who are still doing the job I loved so dearly that are unhappy, complacent & ungrateful and it drives me nuts. (I may never fully recover from the way my departure was handled; see blog entry #1 for the full story). My other two best friends are planning weddings; one for January 2014 & the other for June 2014 in California. 

I've been rambling for quite a while & I'm no closer to an answer than when I started, but it has been a great distraction to get me through a sleepless night & considering I've barely used this blog all year, if at all...I doubt anyone will ever even see this. If you do, maybe there's a reason you ended up in my rabbit hole...in any case, this is all I have to say & I don't intend to post another 'diary' entry anytime soon. Just needed to get a few things out of my head without bothering anyone else for a change. 

I'll leave with my favorite lyrics from SOTD: 

"2 AM and I'm still awake, writing a song/If I get it all down on paper, it's no longer inside of me/Threatening the life it belongs to/And I feel like I'm naked in front of the crowd/Cause these words are my diary, screaming out loud/And I know that you'll use them, however you want to"