Four Years Later...

SOTD: "Bottled Up" - Tori Kelly

https://youtu.be/f-tC2jqKtuE

This is the story of a girl broken-hearted. 

Messed up her head - she's so guarded. 

Don't get me started. 

It's 'cause of you that I've got this thick skin. 

I don't wanna let nobody in, 

All the pain just stayed in place, 

And I kept it tucked away

for so long, so long, so long

But now, I just wanna yell, 

I just wanna throw it all in your face. 

It's silly that I've always felt this way, 

you'd never know. 

I just wanna yell. 

You know that I can only take so much and 

I don't wanna keep it bottled up anymore, anymore.

I was there hanging on by a string, 

Trying to give you my everything. 

That's what they all sing. 

You don't know what you put me through,

Trying so hard to prove to you 

that I've got something to say

But I kept it all tucked away 

for so long, so long, so long

I just wanna yell. 

I just wanna through it all in your face. 

It's silly that I've always felt this way. 

But you'd never know. 

I just wanna yell. 

You know that I can only take so much and 

I don't wanna keep it bottled up anymore, anymore.

I never talked about the way I really felt. 

You put my heart through hell. 

Thought you knew me so well. 

But, ha, just waiting for me to fail - 

But I'm doing the opposite and I can't wait to tell the whole world. 

Yeah, the one you said would eat me up. 

Remember when you told me that I wasn't good enough? 

And I started to believe you and I felt like giving up. 

Left me with a dream crushed and your empty words stuck to me. 

I didn't ever wanna fall like that again,

So I locked up any kind of emotion, 

but I got the key and I'm ready now

Set the caged bird free, time to let it all out...

I just wanna yell. 

I just wanna through it all in your face. 

It's silly that I've always felt this way. 

But you'd never know. 

I just wanna yell. 

You know that I can only take so much and 

I don't wanna keep it bottled up anymore, anymore.

I don't usually quote my entire SOTD within a post, but I am finding it difficult to say what I  really feel, and as the great philosopher Taylor Swift once said, "People haven't always been there for me, but music has." 

So, if you are reading this and know you've played a role in the massive changes I'm still trying to come to terms with - you would not be inaccurate to assume this post is for you. I wish I could say all the things I would like to, but I'm still finding new levels of frustration and I'm not convinced that would help anyone, including myself. 

For anyone that doesn't already know, I am currently unemployed. Yes, after just 7 months and completely relocating my entire life to Nashville, I was let go, unexpectedly for the second time in a decade, from a job I absolutely loved. I may never know the actual reason my contract was expired prematurely, but I can honestly say, since producing TV, the work I did for HCFA was some of the most challenging & rewarding work I could imagine doing. 

I am trying not to blame anyone; especially since the reason I was given (a management decision) is far too vague to support any assumptions I might have made or current theories that I can't seem to stop building in my head. 

However, the way it was handled was absolutely the cruelest way I could imagine. 

They say time heals all wounds, but I'm not sure I will ever fully get over this. The truth I learned is that betrayal never comes from your enemies. I doubt I will ever allow myself to trust anyone when it comes to my career. 

At the same time, it might have been true when I was told no one had ever been let go prior to the year of interim employment without good cause; my life has always seemed to play out as the exception to the rule. If something has never happened before, eventually it will - I guess if nothing else, I can say I was the first! {How lucky am I?!?} 

My gut says it wasn't just a coincidence. I might have made a mistake; I make them often. But I don't know that I can say I've ever done anything so wrong it should ruin my career. It's this uncertainty over the vagueness of my expired contract that makes me think - whatever I might have done is minor compared to whatever it is that isn't being said. You can't orchestrate a termination that efficiently without having had a few days to get your ducks in a row. 

I deserve a real answer. If you can't give me that because it makes the company vulnerable, perhaps you should have thought twice before throwing a wrecking ball at my life. Honesty. Do I not deserve at least that much? If I'm going to go down in flames, the least anyone can do is tell me who lit the match. 

I thought I was a likable person. But that and $5 will get me a cup of coffee at Starbucks. If it was a management decision, that seems a bit weak; my manager changed almost as often as my job description. It's true the last manager I was assigned to had more than a few issues with me, but it's not like I didn't go out of my way to be accomidating and responsible for my shortcomings. Ive never believed in fairness. I just wish I hadn't put such faith in loyalty. 

This is not the post I intended to come back with, but it's something I couldn't stop thinking about it, so here it is. In black & white. 

Perhaps now I can move on. 

Without the apology or explaination I feel I deserve.