"Tears stream down your face. I promise oh. Will learn from my mistakes".
I wish there was a magic pill, or even a hug, that could actually fix me. This is a hard place to be. As the song says, 'stuck in reverse'. It seems every time I manage to find a little joy it's gone before I can actually allow it to spread into other areas of my life.
I've read all the cliches. A heart must break to let the light in. Diamonds are made from coal that withstands intense pressure. What doesn't kill us makes us stronger. They don't help. It especially doesn't help when the people who know and love me describe me and lead with "the strongest woman I've ever known". I'm not as strong as they think. If I were I wouldn't be crying as I type this entry. I know what it means to sit at a bar and ask the bartender to pour me something stronger than me. (It would be more helpful if the bartender knew what that meant.)
A vindictive person has decided that my encouragement of her daughter, to think for herself and question things that don't make sense, is out of line. To prove this, she has forbid her daughter from having any kind of communication with me and to ensure her daughter never has an original thought of her own, she took away her phone an computer. This precious child is 13 years old and from what I've read in her blog, deeply troubled. Something I can relate to. The feeling that life would be better without you in it. The difference being, the world would not be better without my Gabby, but there are more days than not I feel the world wouldn't actually miss me.
I fight until there is no fight left in me. I avoid talking to my mother because I don't want to disappoint her. And today, the most promising job lead I've had since unexpectedly losing the job I gave up everything for, sent an email to tell me they are going in a different direction.
If anybody knows how to fix me, please, please tell me. I don't know how many more days I can cry and still manage to get out of bed, get dressed and smile like nothing's wrong.
I'm taking a break for a while. Don't worry - I will be fine. I just don't know how yet.
Peace and love y'all.
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