"Will you take a moment, promise me this. That you'll stand by me forever, but if God forbid fate should step in and force us into a goodbye. If you have children some day. When they point to the pictures, please tell them my name...Tell them how I hope they shine!"
Believe it or not, I have actually been doing quite a bit of writing on here - only, it seems, I'm keeping most of it for myself! Last night I was working on a piece that I had every intention of posting. I had a deep emotional connection to it as I was writing, but then life happened making it even more personal. By the time I completed it, I was audibly sobbing. {It had to do with that real life interruption that just happened to seamlessly weave into my original post}
For better or worse, I was unable to share that piece. Not because it was too personal. In fact, I wanted the whole world to read it in that moment, but instead of 'publish' I accidentally pressed 'delete'. No matter how hard I try, there's no way I could come close to recreating that post. I accept that sometimes fate steps in and perhaps this was simply meant for me only.
Tonight I've been thinking a lot about the past... And the future. {The present really is a difficult thing for me...} What I've realized is that although there are so many wonderful memories in the past, the people who helped me make them aren't really meant to be part of my future. We are different people living different lives. I am not saying I am washing my hands of them; I'm accepting our new reality and choosing to let them go.
It's too painful to live through life feeling forgotten or unappreciated. I accepted long ago that I am one of the few people who still respect the art of a handwritten thank you note. I have made peace with it, although I don't ever see myself existing in a world where I don't send a card for a birthday or special occasion. I hope those who receive them will appreciate them as much as I enjoy sending them.
My choice to let go of the people in my past is not easy. In fact, I expect that even after I post this, I will struggle with this choice. I will miss our inside jokes and the sound of their laughter. There will always be things that remind me of them. I imagine there will even be a few nights when I cry myself to sleep wishing I could call or text them for advice. It won't be easy.
Deciding to let go has everything to do with creating a healthier future for myself. I need to feel like I can allow people into my life and not worry if they are going to get too busy to return a call or keep plans. I need to surround myself with people who are going through similar life challenges as myself - not people contemplating divorce or having babies. I need to know that if my world falls apart on a Tuesday night, there's someone I can call...who won't just answer, but will insist I let them be there. I've spent too much time making my life more accessible to people who rarely remember I actually exist. To say this has harmed my self worth would be an understatement.
Obviously, I still care a great deal for the people from my past. A couple are even more important to me than most of my family members and have held my hand through some of my most difficult challenges. But I am in the middle of another one of those challenges and I not only don't have a hand to hold, the person who stood by my side so many times before doesn't even know I'm going through it. This has been an eye opening experience. It's not that I don't want to share it, I just don't think it matters anymore; at least not in context to their own life.
The only thing I know for sure is that I have no idea how much time I have left. Whether it is months or years, I want to make the rest of my life, the best of my life. The only way I know how to do that is to let go of the past and embrace whatever and whoever the future holds. I will always hold our memories with great fondness. But now, I'm moving on. That was then.
This is now.
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