I can't even

SOTD: The World Spins Madly On -- The Weepies

"The night is here and the day is gone//And the world spins madly on//I thought of you and where you'd gone//And the world spins madly on"

I know what you must be thinking: Life must be really kicking her ass if she's dusted off the "Rabbit Hole." 

Well, yes. But also, you know, sometimes you just need to Nora Ephron your way out of your own troubles and maybe write yourself a better ending. At least that's what I've convinced myself. 

Earlier this afternoon, I was scrolling Facebook when I encountered a photo of a young boy that I recognized. Above the photo was a brief post that began with the words, "This story is so heartbreaking," or something relatively similar. I was curious why this little boy who I recognized as the young son of an ex-boyfriend was breaking hearts. So, I read. 

In an instant I learned that the little boy had been murdered -- by his father -- in a murder-suicide. 

I froze. 

I reread. 

The words were the same. 

I stopped breathing for a full minute... 
My mind raced with every possible scenario that didn't involve what was just described. 

I finally took another breath. 

I reread the article attached to the story. 
My mind was tripping over itself trying to make sense of absolute nonsense. 

I began to tremble. 

Before I lost control of myself, I did the only thing I knew -- I reposted the story with a brief note about my speechlessness and concern for his wife and family. 

I began to shake. 

The next thing I remember was being in my mother’s arms. She lives next door so it only seems logical that I would go to her house for comfort. After sharing the tragic news I set out to do what I have had to do too many times in recent months -- contact mutual friends so they didn't find out the way I did. Sharing heartbreaking news is never easy, but this one was particularly troubling in a way I can't even put into words. 

Over the next few hours I would share conversations with friends I hadn't spoken with in at least a decade or more and took in messages from friends who relayed sympathy for what I can still only describe as a senseless and unnecessary tragedy. 

Along the way I began to remember every good and bad thing about our long on and off again relationship, which lasted through most of my college years. I recalled how even my own friends viewed me as the villain in our story after the breakup because he was just too gentle of a soul to have carried any blame. And for the most part, they were right. 

I remembered the night we first said "I love you" and how I had never said that to a guy before and it felt like I had rolled a boulder over a mountain. Then the night we shared that ultimately ended any chance we had at a future and the four other times we tried and failed to make it work. 

I remembered his handwriting and how it was ALWAYS better than mine. And his laugh. The stupidest things were amusing to him. I never understood how anyone could be that happy all the damn time. 

I escaped my memories long enough to see more of the story and it only left me with more questions. 

I will never understand the events that ended not only his life, but that of his 8 year old son. I can only say, the person I knew and loved would've never done this. 

I always imagined that one day, decades from now, we would reunite and laugh about the stupid things we did when we were young and didn't know any better. In my imagination, all of our friends would've been there and we would all just have the best time reminiscing. That dream was likely unrealistic, but the reality that it is now impossible is hard to swallow. 

If you are the praying kind, keep the Talley and Reagan families in your prayers. If not, send them good vibes. I cannot imagine their pain, but I'm certain, even Nora Ephron couldn't write them out of it.