In Over My Head

 SOTD - Today Has Been Okay

It's been a while since I last put my thoughts together here. I could make up a few excuses, but the truth is, I lost interest and assumed most of you did, too. Which is kind of ironic, because this post is going to be about how I've lost interest in nearly everything. 

A professional would call it depression; a term that carries lots of preconceived ideas and implications, but truthfully, it's accurate.

I've struggled with some form of depression since I was 12. If you know me, it might not always be apparent, but I am always trying to manage my emotions. Lately, this has become a real challenge. 

I could blame it on the ripple effect of Covid-19 -- the isolation, the constant worry, the daily adjustments to the new "normals" of life -- but that wouldn't be fair. My depression comes from a lifetime of behavior and thoughts that started long before Coronavirus was something we talked about at the dinner table. 

For the last month of so, things have really been rough. For me, that means not wanting to talk to anyone or do anything. Many days I experience panic attacks which look a lot like an emotional breakdown where I can't catch my breath and cry for no reason at all. They are triggered by thoughts and are completely out of my control. 

Control is another issue. I am the kind of person who needs to feel like they have control over everything and lately -- I have control over NOTHING. It's a bit of a relentless cycle that feeds on the insecurity of not having control and makes everything seem so much worse than it might actually be. 

Last week I attempted to seek professional help, contacting three different mental health facilities; one over an hour away. None of the clinics I spoke with were accepting new patients. I have a doctor in my hometown who prescribes an antidepressant, but as the song says: the drugs don't work anymore. 

I am not writing this for sympathy. Quite the opposite, actually. Today is #WorldMentalHealthDay and I want to share my story for anyone who might be going through something similar. With depression and anxiety there is a natural pull toward self isolation. Shutting down and keeping the dark parts secret is completely normal. But this is also what makes going through depression so challenging and lonely. 

I am fortunate that I have family and friends who I am comfortable with, who know about my depression, and love me anyway. I talk to my mom and a good friend daily. They let me fall apart and don't try to fix it -- because let's be real, fixing it isn't exactly an option (or I would have already). Being able to experience my struggle without judgement is one of the few good things about going through it, but I still feel guilty when they have to take that journey with me. 

I don't have the answers for how to solve the problems I -- or anyone else -- face. I won't even pretend to try. But I know that you can beat loneliness by surrounding yourself with others. You can beat hopelessness by reminding yourself of what you've overcome, instead of focusing on what you still have to achieve. You can bring yourself out of the darkness by shining a light on the things you think have to stay hidden. And maybe most importantly, don't try to do it all alone. Life is meant to be shared and experienced with others -- we were never meant to do any of it alone. Let people in. Let them help you. Let them love you. 

Obviously, I'm still working on taking my own advice, but it felt important for me to share this. If I know you in real life, I hope you know that I am always here for you. Even in the midst of my own struggles, I would rather listen to your problems than attend your funeral. And I mean that. 

I hope to add more stories to the rabbit hole in the weeks ahead (hopefully, more fun and less heavy...) so stay tuned. 

xo