Mama

 SOTD: A Song For Mama

"You will always be the girl in my life."

Oh dear. I'm starting to tear up and I've barely even started writing. 

I know everyone says they have the absolute best mom, especially on Mother's Day, but y'all -- I really, really do. 

When I was a kid, I remember thinking my mom was the strongest person alive. Like physically, there was nothing she couldn't do. And she was barely 5'5", 110 lbs soaking wet. I watched her work alongside men twice her size in a window factory. I watched her play softball and run faster than anyone else on the field. I watched her sacrifice so many of her dreams so my brother and I could have more of our own. 

I watched her love and lose. And I watched as she pulled herself together and do it again. And again. And again, one more time... And she's still dating! 

I remember watching her sing along to the radio while driving her little grey Escort. Windows rolled down, wind in her hair, completely carefree.  I remember her love of Whitney Houston and Reba McEntire. She loved them, so of course, so did I! 

I remember watching her cook dinner every night, after working all day, and our house was always clean. Her lasagna is still the best I've ever had -- at least in America. Her tea is the sweetest you'll ever drink. And her nightstand is always packed with candy bars and little Debbie snacks. 

I remember that she never told me I could or could not do anything. Sure, we had some basic rules, but more than anything, she's always just wanted to encourage whatever made me happiest. When it came to college, she was the first person to tell me I could do anything I wanted -- and do it anywhere I wanted to do it. When it comes to careers -- and we all know I've had a few -- she celebrates the accomplishments when they come, but if I get the urge to run, she's the first one to tell me I can change if I want to. And then she gives me the support I need to make those changes -- whether it's moving me across the state, back into her house, or shipping me to another country. At the end of the day, I know that if I am going after something I believe in, even if no one else believes I can do it -- she does. 

I don't remember ever watching her cry. I'm sure she did, I just don't remember ever seeing it. At least not until I was an adult. I've scared her a few times. Not intentionally, but things have definitely happened that have caused her extreme worry and grief. She loves twice as hard as I do, which is kinda saying a lot -- she'd give you the shirt off her back if you needed it. 

To know her is to love her. 

In the last year, I have probably caused her more grief and stress than the first 40 combined. But she has also been my absolute rock. When there was no one else I could turn to, she was ALWAYS there. Arms open. Never judging. Never unwavering. And if I'm being completely honest, she's probably saved my life more than once. 

'I love you' seems insufficient. There surely is a sentiment that is greater than love. I have not found it, but I'm sure it must exist, if only for this one expression of gratitude and adoration. 

Happy Mother's Day Mama. You will always be the queen of my heart. And my very best friend. Until I find a better way to say it... I love you. 

(Yes, I am a blubbering, crying mess, if anyone is curious.)

This One Time, When I Was A TV Producer...

 SOTD: All These Things That I've Done

The year was 2006. The city was New Orleans. The mission...was not exactly impossible. 

After Hurricane Katrina devastated New Orleans in August of 2005, the production company I worked for was offered a crossover event to film a home renovation for an elderly woman who had been swindled out of insurance repairs on her shotgun home in the heart of the city. We used the show I worked on for over 100 episodes, DIY To The Rescue, and a team that was assembled with the help of the producers for Dr. Phil, to document the process of demolishing the old house and rebuilding an entirely new home – over the course of just a few weeks. We shot it in three parts. First the demolition – just a skeleton crew and our hosts over the course of a few days. A few weeks later, I would move into a downtown hotel for about six weeks while we prepared for the build. Once we were camera ready, we brought our skeleton crew back to film the building of the house’s bones with a few host cameos throughout. Finally, when the home was almost finished, we brought in the full crew in to work our magic. Over the course of these weeks, I got to basically design and direct the entire project. Start to finish, the house was completed in less than three weeks. (Not gonna lie, I still think it was a miracle to get it done that quick!)  To say I felt like a kid on field day, would be an understatement. 

The really cool thing about my job was that I knew what had to be done and because I'm super detail oriented, I was always over prepared. For some, I'm sure my perfectionist tendencies drove them nuts, but for me, if I could arrive in a new city fully prepared, I was happy and I could take a day or two to really enjoy my new surroundings without worrying that I was neglecting my responsibilities. We were fond of coastal towns on TTR, so that often meant I got paid to spend the day at the beach relaxing the day before we would start a six day shoot. If you've ever worked in TV, you know what a treat a day of relaxation, before going all out for six days straight, can be. With the New Orleans project things were a bit different. There were four of us from Knoxville who basically camped out in NOLA for the duration of the project. It was myself, Stephanie (my right hand for all things DTTR), Brud (the most amazing camera guy EVER), and Chris (our Audio tech). For the first two weeks, it was just Stephanie and I. And every day was an adventure. I'll never forget the first day Brud and Chris arrived, we were scheduled to shoot some foundation and framing, but it was late August in New Orleans, and the weather was treacherous. Steph and I went to meet with the contractors and just as we pulled up to the site, the hardest rain I have ever seen began to fall. We were stuck in our rental car for what felt like hours. I was a smoker then, and I don't know how Stephanie put up with me -- I am such a planner that when unexpected and uncontrollable things like the weather derail my plans, I kind of spin out. I bet I chain smoked half a pack of cigarettes while we waited that storm out and tried to readjust our shooting schedule. Things didn't always go according to plan, but we always made the best of it. 

We spent weeks preparing for this project in Knoxville. We spent days at Home Depot and Lowes picking out everything from door knobs and drawer pulls, to paint, and bathtubs. If it went in the house, it had to go through us. In the end, I had the final say on design, and that was probably the most fullfilling part of this project for me. I took a few big swings -- particularly with the colors I chose to paint the walls -- but in NOLA there's a tradition of painting the walls of a home bright and inviting colors. I wanted to stay true to that, even if I wouldn't have chosen it for myself. The preparation we did during pre-production freed me up to focus on the day to day progress during the build. And once it was finished, a truck arrived with all the furniture we picked out! It was amazing. Almost all of the interior decor and furniture was donated -- another thing the team pulled off to make this extra special for Ms. Marion. The one thing we forgot, was the thing all new homeowners seem to forget... the little stuff. The pots, pans, utensils, toilet paper, dishes, towels... you know -- EVERYTHING you use every single day. So, during the last few days of filming, Stephanie and I took our small SUV rental car to the nearest Target (about 20 minutes away), pulled out our company credit cards, and filled seven shopping carts with every single thing we could think of that Ms. Marion might need. It should come as no surprise that we could not fit seven carts worth of stuff in our rental. Three trips back and forth later, we managed to get it all home! 

Sidebar: Spending thousands of dollars, of someone else's money, at Target, is a rush like you wouldn't believe. If you ever get the chance -- DO IT! 

We worked hard and we played harder! After that first day of rain, we consoled ourselves by taking in the best blues Burbon Street could offer. Eventually, we found our way to the Kat's Meow -- a karaoke dive bar that would become our home away from home. We were close enough to the French quarter that we could walk anywhere we went. Which meant we didn't really spend much time in our hotel rooms. We worked with the National Guard to access some of the more dangerous parts of the city, and even earned a commemorative coin only given out by high ranking officers with the NG. I chartered a helicopter to get b-roll, rode in a tank, scheduled interviews with the Governor, and spoke with local press. I wish I had kept a journal during this time because I'm sure there's so much more that I'm forgetting. It was the first time I took on the role of field producer, and it all happened so fast I never had time to overthink and ruin it! It just all came so easy. Not because of anything I did, but because the entire crew was so in synch, we could anticipate and react without even talking about it. I may never have another work experience like this one, and I'm fully aware that at times, we caught lightening in a bottle. 

I've worked on some really neat projects, but this one will always hold a special place in my heart. 

In Over My Head

 SOTD - Today Has Been Okay

It's been a while since I last put my thoughts together here. I could make up a few excuses, but the truth is, I lost interest and assumed most of you did, too. Which is kind of ironic, because this post is going to be about how I've lost interest in nearly everything. 

A professional would call it depression; a term that carries lots of preconceived ideas and implications, but truthfully, it's accurate.

I've struggled with some form of depression since I was 12. If you know me, it might not always be apparent, but I am always trying to manage my emotions. Lately, this has become a real challenge. 

I could blame it on the ripple effect of Covid-19 -- the isolation, the constant worry, the daily adjustments to the new "normals" of life -- but that wouldn't be fair. My depression comes from a lifetime of behavior and thoughts that started long before Coronavirus was something we talked about at the dinner table. 

For the last month of so, things have really been rough. For me, that means not wanting to talk to anyone or do anything. Many days I experience panic attacks which look a lot like an emotional breakdown where I can't catch my breath and cry for no reason at all. They are triggered by thoughts and are completely out of my control. 

Control is another issue. I am the kind of person who needs to feel like they have control over everything and lately -- I have control over NOTHING. It's a bit of a relentless cycle that feeds on the insecurity of not having control and makes everything seem so much worse than it might actually be. 

Last week I attempted to seek professional help, contacting three different mental health facilities; one over an hour away. None of the clinics I spoke with were accepting new patients. I have a doctor in my hometown who prescribes an antidepressant, but as the song says: the drugs don't work anymore. 

I am not writing this for sympathy. Quite the opposite, actually. Today is #WorldMentalHealthDay and I want to share my story for anyone who might be going through something similar. With depression and anxiety there is a natural pull toward self isolation. Shutting down and keeping the dark parts secret is completely normal. But this is also what makes going through depression so challenging and lonely. 

I am fortunate that I have family and friends who I am comfortable with, who know about my depression, and love me anyway. I talk to my mom and a good friend daily. They let me fall apart and don't try to fix it -- because let's be real, fixing it isn't exactly an option (or I would have already). Being able to experience my struggle without judgement is one of the few good things about going through it, but I still feel guilty when they have to take that journey with me. 

I don't have the answers for how to solve the problems I -- or anyone else -- face. I won't even pretend to try. But I know that you can beat loneliness by surrounding yourself with others. You can beat hopelessness by reminding yourself of what you've overcome, instead of focusing on what you still have to achieve. You can bring yourself out of the darkness by shining a light on the things you think have to stay hidden. And maybe most importantly, don't try to do it all alone. Life is meant to be shared and experienced with others -- we were never meant to do any of it alone. Let people in. Let them help you. Let them love you. 

Obviously, I'm still working on taking my own advice, but it felt important for me to share this. If I know you in real life, I hope you know that I am always here for you. Even in the midst of my own struggles, I would rather listen to your problems than attend your funeral. And I mean that. 

I hope to add more stories to the rabbit hole in the weeks ahead (hopefully, more fun and less heavy...) so stay tuned. 

xo

I can't even

SOTD: The World Spins Madly On -- The Weepies

"The night is here and the day is gone//And the world spins madly on//I thought of you and where you'd gone//And the world spins madly on"

I know what you must be thinking: Life must be really kicking her ass if she's dusted off the "Rabbit Hole." 

Well, yes. But also, you know, sometimes you just need to Nora Ephron your way out of your own troubles and maybe write yourself a better ending. At least that's what I've convinced myself. 

Earlier this afternoon, I was scrolling Facebook when I encountered a photo of a young boy that I recognized. Above the photo was a brief post that began with the words, "This story is so heartbreaking," or something relatively similar. I was curious why this little boy who I recognized as the young son of an ex-boyfriend was breaking hearts. So, I read. 

In an instant I learned that the little boy had been murdered -- by his father -- in a murder-suicide. 

I froze. 

I reread. 

The words were the same. 

I stopped breathing for a full minute... 
My mind raced with every possible scenario that didn't involve what was just described. 

I finally took another breath. 

I reread the article attached to the story. 
My mind was tripping over itself trying to make sense of absolute nonsense. 

I began to tremble. 

Before I lost control of myself, I did the only thing I knew -- I reposted the story with a brief note about my speechlessness and concern for his wife and family. 

I began to shake. 

The next thing I remember was being in my mother’s arms. She lives next door so it only seems logical that I would go to her house for comfort. After sharing the tragic news I set out to do what I have had to do too many times in recent months -- contact mutual friends so they didn't find out the way I did. Sharing heartbreaking news is never easy, but this one was particularly troubling in a way I can't even put into words. 

Over the next few hours I would share conversations with friends I hadn't spoken with in at least a decade or more and took in messages from friends who relayed sympathy for what I can still only describe as a senseless and unnecessary tragedy. 

Along the way I began to remember every good and bad thing about our long on and off again relationship, which lasted through most of my college years. I recalled how even my own friends viewed me as the villain in our story after the breakup because he was just too gentle of a soul to have carried any blame. And for the most part, they were right. 

I remembered the night we first said "I love you" and how I had never said that to a guy before and it felt like I had rolled a boulder over a mountain. Then the night we shared that ultimately ended any chance we had at a future and the four other times we tried and failed to make it work. 

I remembered his handwriting and how it was ALWAYS better than mine. And his laugh. The stupidest things were amusing to him. I never understood how anyone could be that happy all the damn time. 

I escaped my memories long enough to see more of the story and it only left me with more questions. 

I will never understand the events that ended not only his life, but that of his 8 year old son. I can only say, the person I knew and loved would've never done this. 

I always imagined that one day, decades from now, we would reunite and laugh about the stupid things we did when we were young and didn't know any better. In my imagination, all of our friends would've been there and we would all just have the best time reminiscing. That dream was likely unrealistic, but the reality that it is now impossible is hard to swallow. 

If you are the praying kind, keep the Talley and Reagan families in your prayers. If not, send them good vibes. I cannot imagine their pain, but I'm certain, even Nora Ephron couldn't write them out of it. 

Dedication

Growing up in the eighties, without the internet, before CDs, it wasn't uncommon to sit on my bedroom floor listening to Delilah on some soft rock radio station in Atlanta. I was always intrigued by the people who would call in and tell their stories and then request a very specific song to be played - a dedication to someone they love, were estranged from or maybe just someone who's attention they were trying to get. I always wondered if their intended ever got the message. Probably not, I would think. 

It's been a while since I've posted & shared an entry here, but I promise, I am still writing. But because this is real life and, other, real, people are involved, I've decided it's best to write these stories, but I don't know if, or when, I will share them. It's the right thing to do. 

I can, however, try something new and also give you some insight into where my head and heart are.  Whether I'm writing, painting or simply sitting in the backyard thinking about life, I usually have music playing in the background. This week, a specific playlist has been on repeat and it's no coincidence that each song reminds me of a different person and situation they (or, sometimes, we) are going through. 

So, here's this weeks playlist. The YouTube link will take you to the full playlist, in case you need a little musical destruction. Also, if your initials appear beside one of the songs on the playlist, I am dedicating it to you. I believe most of you will understand why when you listen to the song and I apologize in advance if this makes anyone cry; but you should know I have cried at least once this week over each and every song. I've also taken a few of my favorite lyrics from each and emphasized the message I hope the person it is dedicated to will receive. 

I might not always make them personal, but I hope to continue to share playlists like this. So, without further ado, here's August 2016: 

YouTube Playlist: http://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLHE-p6AC0ojTtFeJJnS1Dx8N_7aqlZA41

 1) Something Beautiful by Tori Kelly 

 2) I Will Be There by Odessa

 3) Stand By You by Rachel Platten

 4) How To Save A Life by Nilu (cover)

 5) Buy This Town by Lori McKenna

 6) America's Sweetheart by Elle King

 7) Brave by Nichole Nordeman

 8) I'll Never Go Away by Erin McCarley

 9) Somebody To Love by Kacey Musgraves

10) Lost Boy by Ruth B 

Something Beautiful: (alpo) "Can't feel the love without the pain. The sun won't shine without the rain. You're not required to carry the weight. So let it go, here's my hand to hold. At the end of it all there's a smile for you waiting. So, breath in & let it go. Your tears are not for nothing. Let them fall, off. In every tear drop there is something beautiful. You are stronger than you know. You're something beautiful". 

I Will Be There: (glw/crw) "If you ever need someone, to just love you. If you ever need someone, to simply adore you. I will be there. Standing by your side."

Stand By You: (glw) "Tears, make kaleidoscopes in your eyes. And hurt, I know you're hurting but so am I. And, love, if your wings are broken, borrow mine 'til yours can open, too. 'Cause I'm gonna stand by you...Even if we can't find heaven, I'll walk through hell with you. Love, your not alone, 'cause I'm gonna stand by you". 

How To Save A Life: (cbwl) "Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend somewhere along in the bitterness" 

Buy This Town: (tlw) "If I could buy one night, I wouldn't buy the one you'd think. I'd buy the one when my eyes teared up by the light above the kitchen sink. And you held me tight. And begged me not to cry. If I could buy the sweetness of one kiss, well, that's the one I'd buy. If I, could buy one night. All the money in the world couldn't buy a drop of real love could it? And it really shouldn't now should it? If I could buy the stars, I'd polish them so bright". 

America's Sweetheart: (apw) "My kind of medicine is whiskey straight. I got a mouth to put you in your place, and they said I'll never be the poster type, but, they don't make posters of my kind of life...What do you want from me? I'm not america's sweetheart. So beat the drum with me; I'm not america's sweetheart. Well, they say I'm too loud for this town, so, I lit a match and burned it down. What do you want from me? I'm not america's sweetheart - but you'll love me anyway". 

Brave: (lso) "I've never known a fire that didn't begin with a flame. Every storm will start with just a drop of rain. But if you believe in me, that changes everything". 

I'll Never Go Away: (glw/alpo/tlw/apw) "I know you never thought, you could hurt this much. Losing what you love. You've lost yourself, your numb. Even though it's dark, there's a light somewhere inside you. Let me hold your hands, I'll help you find your feet again. It's okay to cry. How can I let you know - I got love. I got you love. I'll never go away, I'll never go away". 

Somebody To Love: (drmwah) "We're all livin' 'til we're dying. We ain't cool, but man we're trying. Just thinking we'll be fixed by someone else. Just trying to hold it all together. We all wish our best was better. Just hoping that forever's really real. We'll miss a dime to grab a nickel, over complicate the simple. We're all little kids just looking for love. Yeah, don't we all just want somebody to love"? 

Lost Boy: (kaw/jaae/mae) "There was a time, when I was alone. Nowhere to go and no place to call home. My only friend was the man in the moon. And even sometimes he would go away, too. Then one night, as I closed my eyes, I saw a shadow flying high. He came to me with the sweetest smile; told me he wanted to talk for a while. He said, "Peter Pan. That's what they call me. I promise that you'll never be lonely". And ever since that day... I am a lost boy from Neverland. Usually hanging out with Peter Pan. And when we're bored we play in the woods. Always on the run from Captain Hook. "Run, run, lost boy," they'd say to me. "Away from all of reality..."