Mind Your Business

 SOTD: None Of Your Business 

"Now who do you think you are//Puttin' your cheap two cents in?//Don't you got nothin' to do//Than worry 'bout my friends?//Check it"

I saw a meme the other day that said, "What other people think of you is none of your business." I've been thinking about this for days now. 

I'm the kind of person who needs constant validation. My therapist would say it stems from years of being told that I am not worthy or good enough and eventually allowing that to become my reality no matter how untrue it is. But I can't help it, I care what people think of me. 

You might be reading this and thinking, I am the exact same way. If so, I wish I could tell you how much you matter -- especially if you're one of the three people who consistently reads and supports my blog. 

I remember when I first joined Pinterest. I was one of the first 10,000 users. I remember seeing this gorgeous feather dress on a model in front of the Eiffel Tower. I wanted to repost it, but I was afraid the original poster would think I was weird. In hindsight, that might be the stupidest example of how I let others control me, but it's honest. There is a vulnerability to all of our true encounters. If we aren't being vulnerable, then what's the point? It's how we make real connections. 

I start a new job in a little over a week. My greatest fear isn't the difficult work I will do as a sexual assault advocate. No. It's making new friends at work and working with strangers in my community. I want everyone to like me, but I also want to be myself and I hope that's enough. Making friends at work is always so tricky. We spend so much time there that we naturally become close, but boundaries are necessary to keep the work from following you home. 

I remember when I lost my job in TV. As I wiped tears from my eyes after hearing the news that my job had been eliminated, my first words were: "I'm going to have to work with new people" and I was genuinely anxious about that. 

I'm going to keep reminding myself that it's none of my business, but I know I will still get anxious. How do you handle this? I'm very curious. 

It

SOTD: Lover

“Have I known you 20 seconds or 20 years?”

It’s that feeling when you know you’re safe. 

It’s the way time almost stands still. 

It’s the laughter after a thousand tears. 

It’s the warm on your face after days of rain. 

It’s the safety of what you know in the face of endless doubt. 

It’s finishing the book without ever putting it down. 

It’s enough to be known, but dying to be seen. 

It’s being reckless even after you promised to be careful. 

It’s being overly aware of any changes in the current. 

It’s the conversation you never wanted to have, through a microphone you never held. 

It’s saying I’m sorry, when you know you’ve done nothing wrong. 

It’s counting the hours instead of the days. 

It’s fearless and terrifying — one and the same. 

It’s pretending you haven’t noticed when it’s all that you see. 

It’s pricking your finger and watching it bleed. 

It’s knowing what you want and never giving in. 

It’s unconditional, inconsequential, and unwavering. 

It’s not being okay, but doing it anyway. 

It’s secret and quiet. 

It’s the distance between where you are and where you should be. 

It keeps me awake with its relentless possibilities. 

It keeps me at bay, too afraid to make a wave. 

It’s gorgeous in its simplistic existence. 

It hurts just enough to remind me to breathe. 

It’s the gasp between a sob and a cry. 

It’s the beat of my heart when I stopped asking why. 

Goodbyes

SOTD: How Can I Help You Say Goodbye

One of my favorite teachers from high school died unexpectedly in a car accident two nights ago. It’s the fifth loss I’ve experienced this year. To say that death is on my mind would be an understatement. 

They say you die twice. Once when you take your last breath, and again, a while later when someone says your name for the last time. I find great comfort in this because as long as I’m alive, I know those I’ve lost will continue to live on in stories and memories shared. 

What really gets me is the overwhelming amount of love and adoration that is shared publicly after someone dies. It’s always so beautiful, but my heart breaks a little that the person most in need of these kind words and thoughts can no longer receive them. I guess I feel like it matters more to say those things while our loved ones are still alive and not just when we are processing our grief. And I think I’ve always felt this way. 

With my teacher, I had the serendipitous opportunity to reconnect in real life about a month ago while spending time with another friend on the patio of our favorite Mexican restaurant. After about an hour of glances and overheard drink orders, Marty got up and walked over to me; he said “I know you, don’t I?” And of course I said, “Yes you do.” He had forgotten my name, but not my face or my time in his classroom. He was also aware that we were Facebook friends who shared a mutual world view. We acknowledged that we appreciated our shared roles as good liberals; something that mattered a great deal to us both. We chatted for a moment and then he returned to his friend. A few minutes later we were all enjoying shots of Don Julio. There was great music (courtesy of Marty) and lots of laughter. And I’ll tell you something, my first thought when I heard the news was how incredibly grateful I was to have shared that afternoon with him and our friends. 

I’ll continue to send hand written notes to people I care about. I’ll continue to support friends on social media. But in the next year, I want to become the friend with whom you always know how important and treasured you are. I want more face time and less screen time. I want more phone calls and less text messages. I want to be known as the friend who shows up. 

When I die, I want people to say nice things, but more than anything, I want to know your favorite memories, and to make a million more, while I can still appreciate the feelings that go with those things.

Do you know your worth?

 SOTD: No Such Thing

"When a good thing changes//When the change is staying//Only thing to find is//What to hold on 'til there's something else to hold on to//Hold on 'til there's something else to hold on to"

I have been thinking a lot about personal worth. Not net worth -- but actual emotional and societal value. There are so many things that happen in a single day that can make you question your worth. And a more secure person might not question at all. But I am not that girl. 

When we are born, we are assigned a race, a gender, a religion, and a nationality. From before we are even aware of what those things are, we are made to think that these things define us. The truth is, we can change the narrative at any time. We might not have control over our race or nationality, but we can choose how much of those things we assign to our identity. 

We get to choose who we allow into our lives and how we let them influence us. We have the choice to reinvent ourselves at any given moment. What we can't do is create our own reality. Denying the truth is a dangerous path. No matter how much we hate the reality, we have to accept it before we can change it. 

I'm interviewing for a job that I really want tomorrow. It would be a dream job of sorts because it's entire focus is helping women who are going through the worst events of their lives. I have experienced so much tragedy and heartbreak, I want to be part of the solution for someone else. I want to sit with them in their grief until they know they aren't alone. I want to be the light that I had when I thought the darkness would last forever. 

But I'm really nervous. I struggle to find my own value and make others believe I am worth their time. I think it happens naturally with those I spend time with but being asked to discuss those qualities is terrifying. I just don't like to talk about myself in that way, and I'm starting to think it might be because I don't know my own worth. 

I told an ex once that I am fine eating alone because I know what I bring to the table. While that might be one of my best pithy comebacks, it's certainly nowhere near the truth. I'm working on it. I see it in others. I surround myself with people who truly know the value of things and I believe it makes my friendships deeper and more beneficial. I just can't see it for myself. 

Mind over Matter

 SOTD: The Story

"All of my friends who think I'm blessed//They don't know my head is a mess"

May is Mental Health Awareness month. Over the last year, I've become acutely aware of how important good mental health is. Like many people, my mental health took a hit after several months of feeling isolated during the pandemic. Compound that with unresolved issues I had been putting on the back burner for months and you have a recipe for real disaster. 

When I realized I had a problem, it was almost too late. I had been in such a bad place for so long, it was difficult to even ask for help, but I thank God everyday that I did. For me, asking for help is the very last thing I ever want to do. But there came a point where I could no longer try to pretend I didn't need professional help. 

I know my triggers. I struggle just like anyone else to try to let go of control, but I also struggle with relationships I know are only making things worse. It's hard because sometimes I feel like I might die if I let go, even though I know that's what I need to do. It's definitely hard. I've adjusted my meds so many times, I think we finally got it right, but I know the things I still need to address -- I just can't. And I have to be believe that for now, that's okay. 

If you are reading this and ever feel like you need help, I hope you know I am here. If it weren't for some very caring and patient friends, I'm not sure I would've survived my last major breakdown. If you only take one thing away from reading this, I hope it's that you aren't alone. And you should never be ashamed of needing help. I'm serious. Just email me: aliciapaige80@gmail.com. 

Mental health is important all 12 months of the year, but if you need to use the month of May as an excuse to address it head on, there's no shame in that. We are all in this together -- and none of us are getting out alive. I find some comfort in knowing all that. 

For my full backstory, look to my post from October 2020. 

peace and love