Choices

 SOTD: Did You Ever Have To Make Up Your Mind

"Did you ever have to make up your mind?//Pick up on one and leave the other one behind//It's not often easy, and not often kind//Did you ever have to make up your mind?"

I am so completely lost. There are two paths (maybe three) ahead of me and I have no idea which one I should take. Everyone thinks Walt Whitman's "The Road Less Traveled" is about taking the harder path, but what made all the difference was simply choosing a path and walking it. There's no right or wrong way -- just the fact that you have to move forward. 

With that in mind, I have to decide if I am going to become a real teacher, or if I'm going to start a new adventure. I had a falling out with one of my professors last year over a research project we were doing together. She was a dream mentor until she wasn't and because of the anxiety and stress associated with that project, I don't feel great about putting myself in a position where she gets the final word on what kind of teacher I will be -- or if I can be a teacher at all. 

A couple of months ago, I interviewed for my dream job -- advocate for children and youth who've experienced domestic violence. I actually made it all the way through the interview process and didn't get the job because they hired from within their organization. But yesterday another opportunity with this group became available and shortly after I reached out to the director, I received a message that they were still very interested in working with me and I will interview for a third time for a job as a sexual assault advocate next week. 

I live in a small town where it is difficult to find decent employment with livable wages. Most people in my community make less than $35k a year. Teachers starting salary isn't even above that amount. I'm literally typing this from a middle school classroom where I am being paid $65 for the day -- not even a minimum wage salary. Following the pandemic, education is one area of employment that has been exposed for the many, many ways it abuses it's employees. Teachers are not paid in a way that recognizes the work required just to become a teacher, let alone the many hours outside the regular school day that are required to keep up with all the responsibilities and expectations. Then, if your students don't test well, you're held accountable. It's an awful lot and not nearly as rewarding as one might expect. 

If I am lucky enough to be offered a job with the women's center, I would have to walk away from all the work I've put in to becoming a teacher. Just one semester short of getting my masters and license. And honestly, I think it would be worth it. The work might be just as hard. As a sexual assault survivor, I will have to deal with this painful topic daily. I would have to sit with others in their pain and try to be as supportive as possible. I've been helping a friend get through an unrelated grief and it has been more challenging than I could've anticipated. There are definitely days I cannot give as much as she needs. There are days I don't want to deal with it at all. If I accept the job of sexual assault advocate, it will not matter what I feel or can handle on any given day -- that will be my job.  

I have to make some choices. They aren't easy. I suppose I should wait until I actually have an offer to consider, but I'm a planner. I like to imagine every possible scenario and then plan accordingly. Unfortunately, it rarely provides anything positive and usually, the more I think about it, the more anxiety I create. But I have choices. So I will definitely overthink until I can't overthink anymore.