SOTD: Tonight, Tonight
"It's been a really, really messed up week..."
After an afternoon of day drinking with one of my favorite humans, I embarked on my journey home. (Yes, I had a drink or two, no I was not drunk...) I was doing my regular scroll through Sirius XM stations to find something worthy of my commute, when I landed on a Pop Rock preset playing The Smashing Pumpkins song referenced as the SOTD. I was overcome with a memory that bears a word of caution...
In my earlier years I let guys dictate too much of who I was. A prime example was this guy Jason G. that I dated the summer of 2006. He was a nice enough guy. Great on paper. Not too aggressive, which I personally appreciated. But I was a smoker then, and I was deeply ashamed. I was able to dodge it until the night he wanted to take me to an Fiona Apple concert in early August. When I should have been enjoying the concert, I was instead on a mission to smoke a single cigarette -- in secret. This was a behavior I would continue through half a dozen other guys in the years to come. In fact, I literally let it end one of the best relationships I've ever had.
I can't explain the deep shame that I carried. If you've known me since the pandemic, you already know that I broke my four year hiatus and I am once again a regular smoker. I don't care if you judge me. I know it's bad. I refuse to apologize for doing something, as an adult, that I chose to do. I wish I had that kind of fortitude fifteen years ago.
So here it is, DO NOT CHANGE WHO YOU ARE FOR ANYONE.
If they don't like who you are, they are not your people. If they do, then you can probably work through small stuff like this. The bottom line is, be yourself. Those who matter won't mind, and those who do, don't matter.
Short and sweet.
xo - A
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